5 chickens walk into a bar
I feel like I nailed this title.
Bad news though. I don't have a story about 5 chickens walking into a bar.
I have 5 stories about my Chicken.
Not walking into a bar.
Because that would be illegal.
Because he's a minor.
I know.
At least 2 happy hour dates have been ruined - RUINED - by this nanny state's ridiculous overregulation of babies in bars. I will see you in CANADA, butt heads.
So there are no bars in these stories.
Perhaps I should have gone with another title:
It Was Amazing. But Maybe You Had to Be There.
When You Look At Him... You Can Tell He's Working Things Out (a la the velociraptor from Jurassic Park)
A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to theForum Play Date, Actually 5 Funny Things Happened In The Last Two Days While We Were On the Way to Various Locations to Engage in Myriad Activities, Actually Way More Than 5 Funny Things Happened In The Last Two Days But These 5 Make The Best Stories Because They Involve Things Chicken Said While We Were On the Way to Various Locations to Engage in Myriad Activities.
You be the judge. Here are 5 Chicken stories, all of which happened in the last 48 hours. Enjoy.
(Bedtime. Reading a story called "Little Frog" in which a little frog goes exploring.)
Me: Little Frog went under the tall brown bullrushes...
Chicken: Mm hmm.
Me: And around the glistening blue pond...
Chicken: Mm... I'm sorry. Mommy? That's water.
Me: Yes, that's right. It's water.
Chicken: Mm hmm.
Me: In the pond.
Chicken: I'm sorry, Mommy. That's water.
Me: Yes, I know it's water. It's water in the pond.
Chicken: I'm sorry. Mommy. That's water.
Me: YES. YES, I KNOW it's water.
Chicken: Mm hmm.
Me: The water is in the pond. Like there's water in your cup, or water in the bath, in this story the water is in the pond. OK?
Chicken: Mm hmm... but Mommy, that's water.
(Mid-morning. Chicken is in his pajamas, in a box fort, sitting atop a giant nest of every single food toy he could carry to the fort and dump on the ground.)
Chicken: (from inside the box) Mommmmmyyyyyyyy! I gotta good surprise!
Me: You have a good surprise, huh?
Chicken: I gotta good surprise. It's NOT poop.
Me: Oh?
Chicken: It's poop.
Bad news though. I don't have a story about 5 chickens walking into a bar.
I have 5 stories about my Chicken.
Not walking into a bar.
Because that would be illegal.
Because he's a minor.
I know.
At least 2 happy hour dates have been ruined - RUINED - by this nanny state's ridiculous overregulation of babies in bars. I will see you in CANADA, butt heads.
So there are no bars in these stories.
Perhaps I should have gone with another title:
It Was Amazing. But Maybe You Had to Be There.
When You Look At Him... You Can Tell He's Working Things Out (a la the velociraptor from Jurassic Park)
A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the
You be the judge. Here are 5 Chicken stories, all of which happened in the last 48 hours. Enjoy.
Story Time Part 1: Wait... is That Water?
(Bedtime. Reading a story called "Little Frog" in which a little frog goes exploring.)
Me: Little Frog went under the tall brown bullrushes...
Chicken: Mm hmm.
Me: And around the glistening blue pond...
Chicken: Mm... I'm sorry. Mommy? That's water.
Me: Yes, that's right. It's water.
Chicken: Mm hmm.
Me: In the pond.
Chicken: I'm sorry, Mommy. That's water.
Me: Yes, I know it's water. It's water in the pond.
Chicken: I'm sorry. Mommy. That's water.
Me: YES. YES, I KNOW it's water.
Chicken: Mm hmm.
Me: The water is in the pond. Like there's water in your cup, or water in the bath, in this story the water is in the pond. OK?
Chicken: Mm hmm... but Mommy, that's water.
Story Time Part 2: That's Why You Don't Fall Asleep on the Bus to Sesame Street, Kid
(Bedtime. Reading a story called "Don't Let the Pigeon Stay Up Late." On the last page, the Pigeon has fallen asleep. Her mouth is open and she is snoring.)
Me: Look at that Pigeon. What's she doing?
Chicken: (chuckles) Sittin' down.
Me: Is she awake?
Chicken: (sees the snore drawn on the page) (gasps) MY GOD!
Me: What?
Chicken: Z's flyin in her mouth!
___
Now That's What I Call a Good Surprise.
(Mid-morning. Chicken is in his pajamas, in a box fort, sitting atop a giant nest of every single food toy he could carry to the fort and dump on the ground.)
Chicken: (from inside the box) Mommmmmyyyyyyyy! I gotta good surprise!
Me: You have a good surprise, huh?
Chicken: I gotta good surprise. It's NOT poop.
Me: Oh?
Chicken: It's poop.
___
My Hero
(In the car on the way home from school.)
Me: How was your day, babe?
Chicken: Good.
Me: What did you do at school?
Chicken: O-pokey.
Me: You did the hokey pokey?
Chicken: Yeah.
Me: With Teacher Sandy?
Chicken: (smiles) Yeah.
Me: What else did you do?
Chicken: Fire alarm went off.
Me: Really?
Chicken: Yeah. Fire alarm went off.
Me: Was it loud?
Chicken: Yeah.
Me: Was it scary?
Chicken: Yeah. Fire alarm went off... but it's ok, it's ok, it's ok.
Me: That's right. It's ok. It's a scary, big noise, but it's ok now. What did you do when the alarm went off?
Chicken: Save you.
Me: (burst into tears)
___
But Mommy Keeps Hers Locked in a Secret Box in her Heart
(The curse of the double nap is the double, simultaneous wakeup. Such was the case on this day, when Buster woke up in his crib crying, and Chicken woke up in his crib crying WITHIN TEN SECONDS OF EACH OTHER. I made the choice to start with Chicken. I went into his room, picked him up, and started to change his diaper.)
Chicken: (crying) want my Mommy!
Me: I know, baby. Look, Mommy's right here changing your diaper.
Chicken: want my Mommy!
Me: Yes, darling, I know. Let me finish your diaper, ok?
Chicken: (pauses for a second, hears Buster) Buster cryin?
Me: Yeah, Buster's crying.
Chicken: Chicken cryin. Buster cryin. (sigh) Everybody cryin.
___
Feelings Part 1: Someone Had a Quad-Shot Latte This Morning
(Morning. Chicken stands in his play kitchen "cooking eggs." He throws the plastic easter eggs on the ground after cracking them open in his frying pan.)
Chicken: I'm in a great mood.
Me: Yeah! You are in a great mood. I can see that. You're smiling and happy, working hard on making some eggs.
Chicken: Yeah. I'm awesome.
Me: You sure are.
Chicken: (whirls around, throws arms up in the air) I'M AWESOME!
Feelings Part 2: You and Me Both, Pal.
(Morning. Chicken sits in his high chair, screaming and crying. There is a plate of scrambled eggs that I cut into circles using a cookie cutter, a piece of circle toast with cream cheese and jam, and a cold cup of fresh milk on the tray.)
Me: You don't want to eat your circle breakfast?
Chicken: I caaaaaaan't. I just caaaaaaan't.
Me: Okay, can I do anything to help you? Do you want me to feed you like a baby?
Chicken: (wails) Noooooooo!
Me: (walk away from the table to finish packing his lunch and stop feeding the insane fire of his upsetting breakfast with my stupid good intentions.)
Chicken: (cries for another minute or so, then stops.) I'm havin' a hard time.
Me: You're right, baby. It seems like you are having a hard time this morning.
Chicken: Yeah. I need candy.
Happy Hump Day Everybody!