Halftime of the Slowest Panic Attack in Human History
My friend got aggressively rude service at this grill once, and when the time came to pay the check she still tipped generously. “The way I treat people doesn’t depend on how they treat me,” she said. She is a much better person than I am. That’s her character. She sees people as opportunities for kindness, not opportunities for vengeance.
I woke up this morning thinking about her.
What’s our character, Ours-with-a-capital-O? I don’t know. Looking at these numbers, I really don’t know. Looks like half the country believes the bullshit? Or doesn’t care that it’s bullshit? Or is fine with bullshit as long as they’re paying lower taxes and defunding public schools? Like I said, I really don’t know.
I’ll tell you one thing, though. As I’ve watched results pour in with all the hustle of cold honey, like two cars skidding toward each other on a blind curve in the road at 1/256th speed, I’ve been struck by the character of our nation, as unchangeable as my friend’s, but, you know, in the shitty way.
Character is a choice you make over and over and over again. For me, one of my proudest moments was when I crossed the finish line of the Seattle marathon. In order to run that race, I had to choose it over and over and over again, not just on the day, but for weeks leading up to it. I picked marathon training over happy hours and TV binges. I went running in stingy sideways rain and barfy hot sun. And then I showed up on the day and I chose, every single mile, to run. I cried when I finished because god damn it, look at me. I just did character.
I want Biden to win. He will be a better president than whatsisname. I think he’ll do a better job protecting people, the environment, the economy.
At the same time, we have this anomalous pause in our process that’s revealing our values to us without the immediate, expeditious addition of a “win” or “lose” label.
This pause is making it abundantly clear that it doesn’t matter who’s president if the country doesn’t change.
Because whoever is president will be president of this country, with this country’s character, that has made this country’s choices over and over and over again.
It’s like, right now we’ve got this malignant prick driving a steamroller and for the last four years it’s been crushing us. And we’re trying our damnedest to get a new driver up on the rig, so he can steer away from our children, our forests, our families. And he probably will. He seems very nice.
But for some reason we all believe that if we could just get a flower farmer to drive the steamroller, the machine would suddenly plant seeds. If we could just get a builder to drive the steamroller, the machine would suddenly build clinics and schools. For some reason we believe that if we could just get a gentler hand on the wheel, the nature of the machine would change.
It doesn’t matter who’s president if they’re driving the same machine.
The only thing that matters is whether the new president is willing to stop the machine, pull it apart, and build something new. Make a new choice. Make the first new choice.
Our nation’s character needs work, people. Our nation was raised on the notion of power as a scarce, finite resource, something that must be kept at all costs because if you give it away, then it will be gone. You know, like pie. MY PIE. HISSSSSSSS!!!!
Our nation tells us that to empower others means to disempower ourselves. HISSSSSS!!!!! They’ve said it over and over and over, forever. Our nation grew up believing that power was a steamroller: it gives you the weight and force to ease your own way. Nobody listened when people told us power was planting seeds too, protecting and feeding something until it can flower and fruit. Nobody listened when people told us there was another choice.
I’m saying this to comfort you, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Character is a choice you make over and over and over again. You make it no matter how bad the service is. You make it no matter what the scientists say. You make it no matter how many people die. It’s your character, and character is a cruise liner: hard, so hard to turn.
America has made the choice to put a self-serving bigot at the wheel, to drive a steamroller over the human rights and actual lives of marginalized people. Again. This is a choice we, as a nation, have made over and over and over again. I see white women turning out for Trump in even higher numbers than in 2016 (52% vs. projected 55%). This is our character, the choice we’ve made over and over and over again. This is America’s character, and its roots go back to day one. That part doesn’t comfort me.
But if character is a cruise liner then god damn it, it CAN TURN. This is the part that comforts me. This is the part that scares me. If we couldn’t change, we’d be innocent, bound to fate. Because we can change but haven’t yet, we are responsible.
What choices have you started to make? What choices will you make over and over and over again until they are YOUR character? This is the part that comforts me. This is the part that scares me. Because it doesn’t matter who wins the election. Whoever wins will be running THIS country. And it doesn’t matter who wins the election. You and I have work to do.
This isn’t a good thing to say out loud, but it’s simple and true: I want Joe Biden to win so he will save our country. I want Joe Biden to win so he will save me, too. I am tired of citizenship. I want a fucking break.
I hoped a swift Biden win would let me clock out for a while. Let me write that high school werewolf movie I’ve been thinking about. Let my life be about something more than vigilance and outrage and finding this season’s hot new coping mechanism. (This fall, everyone who’s anyone is coping with Ted Lasso, Indian food, Jeni’s ice cream, and bourbon!)
I want to be bored by trustworthy government again. Remember regular press conferences in which no one’s fundamental human rights were on the chopping block? NATO summits in which world leaders spoke from intellect, experience, and empathy? Confirmation hearings of qualified and ethical candidates? Of course you don’t, because they were fucking BORING.
I hoped a swift Biden victory would signify the shift in our nation’s character that could spark hope. I should’ve known better.
I’m saying this to comfort you even if it doesn’t feel like it. It’s rare for us to have a chain of consecutive hours to reflect on our national character at a moment that I can only describe as the slowest panic attack in human history. Our values are being revealed to us excruciatingly slowly, like watching those two cars skid toward each other over the course of two whole days.
Will they collide? Will they correct? These are the questions we’ve asked over and over and over again—
But WAIT. Stop.
If character is a choice we make over and over again, let this be the first time you make the choice to ask
“Who’s gonna fix that road?”
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