10 things I've said to my preschooler and a bernie bro

Pipe down, there, captain. I heard you the first time. I just didn’t agree with you.

1. “Yelling at me is not going to change my mind. I already said no. The answer is no. This is not a discussion.”

2. “Why are you so mad? Do you need a snack?”

3. “Just because it’s not important to YOU doesn’t mean it’s not important. There’s actually a whooooooole world out there full of people who matter just as much as you do. Think about that for a minute while you take some deep breaths.”

4. “So, what I’d like to do is solve the problem. Do you want to solve the problem? Because you’re not showing me that you’d like to solve the problem. You’re showing me you want to get into a power struggle, and I’m not going to do that with you.”

5. “Actually, I don’t answer to ‘stupid.’ Try again.”

6. “EXCUSE ME SIR, no, you may not have seconds before every one else gets a slice. Come on, you know better than that.”

7. “Woah, bud. Focus. Focus. I hear that you want to talk about farmers, but right now we’re talking about respecting other people, because that’s the talk you’re showing me you need to have.”

8. “Shhhhhh. You had your turn to talk. Now it’s my turn to talk.”

9. “Did you do what you said you were going to do? Did you really? It doesn’t look like it to me. It looks like you told me you were going to do it, which is not the same as doing it. And I’m looking at it… nope, it’s not done. I don’t care how many times you tell me it’s done, it’s not done, and I trust my eyes more than I trust your words.”

10. “Have you noticed that there are no GIRLS in this story? Have you noticed that EVERYONE in this story is white? Gosh, that doesn’t seem fair, does it?”

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If you’re a Sanders supporter who bristles at my use of the term “Bernie Bro” and the way I’ve insinuated that such people require the same 101-level social-emotional education as my 4-year-old, two things:

1) Bernie Bros are real, abusive, toxic, and not the same as Sanders supporters. I’m friends with many of the latter. I block all of the former. Your behavior dictates which one you are.

2) If you’re not a Bernie Bro, then you’re not, this isn’t about you, and I’m not sure why you need to limp into my comments section claiming grievous harm like a soccer player begging for a yellow card.