pop quiz hot shot: do you want a girlfriend or a good dog?

You're a nice guy looking for a little companionship.

But are you looking for a girlfriend... or do you want a good dog?

Take this quiz and find out!

After you give me dinner, will you whistle for me to put my head in your lap while you watch the game?

If a stranger strokes me and says, "Oh she's beautiful," will you smile proudly and say, "Thank you. Yeah, she's a real sweetheart."

Are you proud of yourself for rescuing me?

On a scale of 1-10, how into balls do you expect me to be?

10 - I want an old, moist ball in my mouth at all times. The fuzzier the better.
5 - I mean. Okay. For a minute. Because it's you.
1 - What the fuck, absolutely not. Why? WHY.

Do you want me to do tricks for your friends?

Is your favorite thing about me the fact that I'm always happy to see you?

Are you relieved that you can kick me as hard as you want because you know I won't tell or leave?

If I I flinch or yelp, will you get worried that I might be damaged goods? Will you think about returning me? Will you be annoyed that you might have to work with me? Because this was supposed to be fun?

Do you plan to use me to prove to other people that you're a nice guy who is capable of love and commitment?

Would you consider rehoming me if I got sick and the medication was, like, unreasonable?

Do you want to be able to decide when I'm getting a little chubby? Do you want to be able to put me on a diet?

Do you want to be able to tell me when to speak? Stay? Lie down? Roll over?

How do you plan to discipline me if I growl or make a mess?

Call me a pain in the ass and lock me in the bedroom.
Swat my nose and then feel bad and rub my belly.
Hold my mouth open and pour Tabasco sauce into my mouth while I smell the mess I made.

Will you be pleasantly surprised to discover that I have a skill or talent that you find useful? Will you praise me for it like, "Oh hey! Look at YOU! Look at what YOU did! What a smart girl you are! Yes you are!"

Will you push me off the couch if I fart?

Do you want to make sure that I'm fixed?

When you picked me, did you want to make sure that I was well-trained enough that your life wouldn't change that much if you brought me into it?

After reading this quiz are you still not sure if you're looking for a woman or a dog?

Then the answer is JESUS H BALLS, under no circumstances should you try to engage with any woman.

And really, you probably shouldn't get a dog either.