10 potty training tips you haven't heard before

KatyKatiKate Proudly Presents:

10 Potty Training Tips You HAVEN'T Heard Before!

1. Look for signs of readiness!

How do you really know when the time is right for toilet training? Here are a few sure-fire signs to look for:

• the price of a pack of diapers is the same as the price of a bottle of gin.

• the price of a pack of diapers is the same as the price of a ticket to the Magic Mike Live show they're doing on Saturday nights at the old Medieval Times castle #TimeForTheJoustLadies #MyLanceIsReady.

• your child just had a really foul poop and you're done, you're just done, you're so done, this is done now, this has gone on far too long already, how long can a person survive without dignity, exactly this long, and no longer.

2. LOTS of fluids!

It's summertime and it's tough to stay hydrated while running around in the yard and at the park, but ludicrous fluid consumption is key during toilet training.

Stock up before you begin!

You'll need:

• orange juice
• seltzer water
• lime wedges
• Mexican beer (I like Dos Equis, but whatever you pick just make it a case)
• prosecco (for the OJ, in the morning)
• vodka (also for the OJ, in the afternoon)
• a case of cold brew coffees (for the next morning)

*** 

Pro Tip! 

Your child will also need to drink fluids while toilet training. 

I recommend you keep the hose running at a trickle until it's over. 

***

3. Pick the Right Reward

What motivates kids? Positive reinforcement, candy, toys, magical experiences, sure, I guess, maybe, sometimes.

But what REALLY motivates kids? I mean, all kids, the world over?

That's right: Power. Absolute power.

If I've learned one thing watching Game of Thrones, it's this: kids LOVE monarchies.

Show your child a crown and tell him that the only thing standing between him and his unfettered authority over all the lands on this Earth is his ability to pee and poop into the toilet, totally into the toilet, and only into the toilet, so help him God.

When he asks what his kingdom is, tell him his kingdom is the entire world AND Hogwarts AND the Hundred-Acre Wood.

Tell him that when he is king he will only eat cake for breakfast, unless he wants pie, and then he shall have ALL THE PIE. Tell him that Pooh Bear is just waiting to kick Christopher Robin into the gutter like the filthsome scum rat he is. Tell him that Pooh Bear has been waiting for him all his Pooh Bear life.

Tell him that his brother's job from now until forever will be to order a delicious corn dog off the menu and then give it immediately to the king of the entire world, and also to pour the king's juice.

Tell him that all the dentists in the world will be brought before him to kneel and repent for lying about the relationship between sugar and tooth decay.

Tell him whatever he needs to hear until his eyes burn with hunger for the unmitigated glory you have promised him.

Are you worried about how you're going to keep these outlandish promises?

STOP IT. Focus.

Your biggest problem right now is your garbage can overflowing with hot little bundles of human waste.

Everything else is noise.

Buuuuuut if you get that kiddo trained and he holds his hand out for the crown that he knows is rightfully his, here are a couple ways to play it:

• Drop to your knee and whisper, "My liege, would that I could grant your wish. But I have news from the underground - assassins have this very day crossed into our territory, seeking to learn the identity of the one true king. Seeking you, milord. I beg of you, prithee play the part of a lad a bit longer, until we can seek out this scourge and render them as traitors to your crown."

• Google "gruesome deaths of kings" and read aloud passages in a breathless whisper. 

Did you know, Chicken,

that King Alexander of Greece was bitten to death

by a Barbary macaque?

It took him 3 weeks to die

while his leg rotted off.

Wow, what do you think that

smelled

like?

Which leg do

you

want the monkey to bite?

Yikes, sounds like being a king actually isn't

that

fun!

4. Use books and pictures!

Kids are so visual, and they really respond to colorful photos and drawings posted around the house. Think of this exercise as decorating your home school classroom for a unit on toilet training!

You'll need:

• posters
• glue (preferably glitter glue)
• markers
• stickers
• scissors
• yarn and clothespins for an adorable homemade bunting
• full-color photos of infectious diseases that are contracted through exposure to human feces. 

My pink eye poster came out gangbusters, but the dysentery display in the living room really stole the show.

5. Stickers are a great tool!

Every time your child has an accident, place a sticker over his or her face in a family photo. This works best if it's a blank white sticker (you can usually find these in bulk at Office Depot). If you can't get there, you can always just glue on a scrap of newspaper with the word "Who?" written on it.

6. Make sure to use accurate, honest terminology!

"Uh, oh, Timmy. It looks like you shit your pants. Yep, look at that, there's a foul glob of hot feces squished between your ass cheeks, and it's leaking down your leg. That's... listen, it's just really fucking gross, champ. Hey, pal, you know I love you no matter what. But your friends are definitely not going to forget this."

Like that.

7. Tape your child to the toilet until he poops there.

Painter's tape works great, but don't be stingy! Depending on your child's strength and/or claustrophobic anxiety, you may need the extra-thick roll.

*** 

Pro Tip! 

Don't forget to wrap tape around the child's fingers so he has Lego person hands. 

That way he can't pull off the tape while you're in the other room

watching Game of Thrones with your friends Jack, Jim, and Jameson. 

***

8. Pack a backpack for when accidents happen out and about.

Listen. Accidents are bound to happen. And they're definitely bound to happen in public. And they are absolutely, no-way-to-steer-out-of-that-spin bound to happen while you're trying to have a nice, grown-up, shit-free moment. For us, it was when I looked away from Buster to introduce myself to his new teacher and the other families in the classroom at the "Meet the Teacher" party this morning.

When those accidents happen, you'll be glad you packed your emergency backpack!

You'll need:

• fresh change of clothes
• wig
• hat
• large black sunglasses
• wallet containing new ID and $2,000 cash
• envelopes containing phone numbers of in-state relatives and a few bucks
• safety pins to attach the envelopes to the children
• keys to the used car you've parked at the bus station
• paperback novel. You'll have plenty of time for that now.

9. Undies can be a great motivator!

Kids get so excited to wear undies, especially ones with their favorite characters on them! Thomas, Shopkins, Paw Patrol, Star Wars, Doc McStuffins... there's a pack of undies for every franchise (except, apparently, size 4T My Little Pony boxer briefs, thanks a lot Hasbro. Friendship is magic my ass.)

buster loves chase

and marshall

not rubble though

he's gonna try to poop right

i can tell

Is your child imaginative and compassionate? GREAT. Let's use that.

When you slip on the undies, make a big deal about the character pictured on the seat of the undies.

"Look at that! Sofia the First undies! Wow, what a big girl you are! Now remember, Sofia the First does not like poop on her face. She is not that kind of girl. Can you keep Sofia the First clean and dry? Yes? Okay let's do it!"

When she inevitably craps or tinkles on Sofia the First, fall to your knees and point to the dysentery banner in the living room.

"Oh, God... Oh GOD NO! You pooped on Sofia the First??? EMILY HOW COULD YOU???  Now she has DYSTENTERY!!! She's going to DIIIIIE!!!"

Cut the soiled undies from Emily's body and burn them, rocking and keening. Sob and cut your hair with a knife. Be in the moment. Let your instincts guide you.

Scream "SOFIAAAAA" to the heavens a few times. And then, when the moment is right, turn your tear-stained, soot-soiled face to your child, and say...

why buster

why

10. Make sure you've got something special planned for your older kid!

You'll be giving your little one a lot of individual attention, so it's nice to make sure your bigger kid gets some special experiences, too!

I let Chicken watch Homeward Bound in my bed, with a big bowl of popcorn and an icy-cold cup of seltzer water. Then I drove him out to my aunt's ranch in the Sierra Nevadas and left him there.

Don't look at me like that! I chipped him before I left and I've been checking my app all week. So far he hasn't made it past the McDonald's Play Place, but I'm sure he'll get sick of fries and start his own incredible journey any day now.