4:00 am - meeting with buster

This is the meeting my sons had this morning, while I slept.

take a look at the agenda see if there's anything you need to add

C: hey man

B: hey how are you

C: glad you could make it

B: thanks for putting this together

C: how's the family

B: good, good... just, you know, same as your family

C: yeah. ok, so let's get started

B: sounds good

C: great, so obviously we're here to talk about mom

B: yes

C: and how we should kill her

B: mm hmm

C: today

B: right right

C: so obviously, i'm the senior guy here, but i think of you as a partner, and i want to welcome all of your... your input, your ideas, your gifts i guess is what i'm trying to say. i want you to know how much i value what you're bringing to the table.

B: wow, thank you. and thank you for the opportunity to contribute to this project. i feel like i've learned so much over the last year, watching, you know, the way that you engage with not just mom but like the whole organization. i really think of you as a mentor, and it means a lot to hear you say that you think that i’m, you know, ready to help you kill mom today

C: i thought we could just lay out the distribution of the various elements of killing mom. i project that we should aim for a day that's 50% annoying, embarrassing, filthy, and/or expensive-to-fix disasters

B: agreed

C: then 30% sweet moments of hope and adorableness

B: right. we can't go too hard too fast. she's gotta have hope that she'll survive, so she can really get to the place where, you know, a place where we can finalize that kill

C: right. and then 20% mortal danger so she's equal parts mad at us for scaring her, thankful that we're alive, and wracked with guilt for being a terrible mom

B: i think that sounds like the right balance. if i split my lip, refuse breakfast, and tip over the trash can all before 7:30 in the morning she's just going to get spooked and cancel the outing

C: and the outing is key. the failed outing will inspire that deep despair that will really make her wish for death. she needs to feel like she isn’t even a person anymore, like she can't even leave the house

B: right, like the house is already her tomb, so just go ahead and make it official

C: exactly. humiliation, isolation, despair... a failed outing is the silver bullet. so i think along those lines we just start like a regular day, but just a little crappier

B: so i’ll wake up at 5?

C: 4:30, 5. that's your purview

B: she read that article about dry drowning last night so i could integrate those elements into the wake-up, do some very alarming wheezing, gurgling, choking death rattle-type sounds, really strike that terror chord first thing

C: start her off with a solid adrenaline dump, outstanding

B: exactly. and then, what do you think, is it too early to have a diaper leak?

C: no, i can take point on that

B: pee or poop?

C: that might be a call we make on the field. see what comes out when I start pushing

B: right

C: so the morning, it's gotta be super adorable, make sure that she gets that first big hit of guilt about resenting the way the day started

B: you do that thing where you hug me and tell me you love me out of the blue

C: i'll do that, i'll read to you so she feels like a good mom for a minute. then i'll do the sharing-my-breakfast move

B: i can put together some big smiles and giggles. and i'll make sure my belly is out

C: the rounder the better

B: so we start low with the wheezes and pissing, go high with giggles and sharing, and then i say i play the wild card with a super-short morning nap

C: fifteen minutes?

B: yeah, or twenty. you could even wake me up

C: that's good, i'll wake you up

B: with the harmonica

C: obviously

B: and then for the rest of the day are we just alternating highs and lows, getting progressively higher and lower until she snaps like a russian carnival ride?

C: i think that's the way to go. if we just hit her with repeated disasters she's going to shut down and start a daniel tiger

B: exactly, or she'll start blogging

C: we can't give her time for that at all

B: or for pooping

C: or getting dressed or packing a diaper bag or calling nana. she's gotta feel like she's rushing all day, but nothing ever gets done

B: so while you're getting dressed i’ll rub strawberry jam on my clothes so she has to change my clothes again

C: and then while you're getting dressed i’ll rub strawberry jam in my hair 

B: repetition with variation and escalation, classic

C: any other elements we want to make sure that we include?

B: great, yeah, i brought some thoughts... there has to be some kind of catastrophic poop encounter – i'm really nailing the whole grabbing my poopy nuts thing lately

C: along those same lines, i can take my diaper off during nap and poop on the floor

B: or the rug even

C: oh god yes the rug

B: okay, so then i was thinking we should just be ticking all the boxes of, like, terror and wounds.  i can choke on a sticker for a minute. then throw a book at her face when she's not looking

C: i was seriously just thinking that

B: lock yourself in the bathroom and then make a thudding sound and then go quiet

this is great no it's perfect because she's going to have to fiddle with the doorknob intensely and intense fine-motor fiddling is the #1 cause of mom rage

C: i can get lost for seven minutes at the park. will you bite her?

B: you don't want to?

C: you're in the bite sweet spot. if you do it, you’re big enough that it hurts, but small enough that you can’t be held accountable. if i bite her it's like a whole thing, we have a talk, we read a book, we role-play with a doll, it's… a procedure

B: understood, i can bite her

C: okay what else. i'll break an irreplaceable keepsake

B: she seems to really care about those ceramic handprints from when we were little

C: check. and i can say "mommy" over and over again but then i won't actually want anything from her

B: i'll go boneless

C: i'll scream that i'm gonna throw up in the car

B: when she's strapping me into the car seat I’ll wait until one arm is through the strap and then i'll roll onto my belly so i'm trapped in a half-nelson and then i won't calm down for twenty minutes

C: i'll throw the ipad and whine about my socks

B: if i poop at the store can you make sure that you splash in the toilet in the public bathroom

C: obviously, and while i'm splashing in the toilet can you try to roll off the changing table

B: i'll fully roll off the changing table

C: okay but remember safety is our goal

B: hahahahahahahahahahahaha

C: hahahahahahahahahahahaha

B: safety hahahahaha that's hilarious

C: i know, but you handed it to me, man. handed it to me

B: haha

C: ha 

B: okay and then we need to be nice enough that she accepts 100% of the blame for everything

C: that's where the adorable moments need to really land. so she remembers how much she loves us and feels like a piece of shit for losing her temper even though we have engineered situations that guarantee she will lose her temper

B: it's not personal, it's business

C: i'll make sure i say "i wuv you mommy," right after she yells at us. you coo and babble

B: oh i’ll coo and babble. we should play hide and seek

C: you should wave and smile at strangers

B: you should say please and thank you all day long

C: and right before she takes her first bite of lunch and i’ll whisper "mommy i wish you would pway wif me"

B: and can you say some really big words with a lisp

C: maybe some dinosaur names

dis is an a-pat-a-thaur-uth dis is a ty-wan-a-thaur-uth

B: gold, this is all gold. but let me zoom up to 30,000 feet. how do we push her over the edge

C: i think we just organize a full-on climax of negative stimuli. you bite, i throw a block in her face, then you start screaming and tearing at her shirt trying to nurse, and then i'll yell in her face the same thing over and over again

B: are you thinking, like, two donuts?

C: exactly. two donuts two donuts two donuts two donuts two donuts two donuts mommy two donuts mommy i need two donuts, plus the screaming and the biting and block-throwing, at the end of the day... i think we're there

B: but we've done this before. she always remembers she loves us and she rediscovers her will to live

C: be audacious. innovate. commit. these are more than just words, man

B: no doubt, i agree with you. i'm just saying, we have already done literally everything we've discussed here today, and she's still tickling our bellies and making up songs about buying a carton of milk

C: i think the milk song is a sign she's cracking. today is different

B: what makes you so sure?

C: i heard them talking last night. they're out of coffee

B: holy shit

C: there is no coffee in the house

B: why didn't you tell me

C: i know

B: this changes everything

C: yep

B: ok what time is it

C: no idea

B: i'm gonna take a watery crap and then jump and land on my butt until the poop juice leaks onto the crib sheets and that $80 teddy bear that was a gift to mark the occasion of my birth, and then i say we attack this day with energy due the moment

C: good meeting. i've got a good feeling about today. just remember - abc

B: abc?

C: always be--

B: (wet gurgling sounds in diaper) right, yeah, i got it