harold and the what now

Funny story.

So the other day I was at Goodwill 

looking through the children's books

and BAM

Score! 

We already have a copy of this one 

and it's one of Chicken's favorites.

But dude

it's a 79-cent Harold. 

I bet Chicken's school could use another copy of a timeless classic.

Let's just make sure it's not beat to shit...

...okay... kitten sticker inside... 

a little bit of wear and tear on the binding... 

but it seems like it's in pretty good shape. 

I'll just check the first page...

... yep! Looks good!

___

Tuesday morning 

I brought it into my kid's school 

and gave it to his teacher. 

She thanked me effusively. 

You are so welcome I said. 

Oh my gosh, no problem at all. 

It's my PLEASURE. 

I'm just so happy the kids will be able to enjoy this beautiful book. 

The teacher agreed with me.

And then she opened it

and started to read

One evening, after thinking it over for some time, Harold decided to go for a walk in the moonlight.

There wasn't any toilet, and Harold needed a toilet for a walk in the moonlight.

And he needed some poop to walk on.

He made a long straight trail of poop so he wouldn't get lost.

And he set off on his walk, taking his big purple turd with him.

But he didn't seem to be getting anywhere on the long straight poop.

So he left the poop for a short butt across a field. And the moon went with him.

The short butt led right to where Harold thought a fart ought to be.

He didn't want to get lost in the woods. So he made a very small fart, with just one pee in it.

It turned out to be an poop tree.

The apples would be very Gassy, Harold thought, when they got red.

So he put a constipated dragon under the tree to fart on the apples.

It was a terribly constipated dragon.

Well played,

11-year-old boy.

There is no way

I

or anyone

who has read these pages

will ever be able to read this book again

without thinking

It was a terribly constipated dragon.

And when you look 

at that dragon

again

you see it

right?

That dragon has
the panic sweat face
and
the please-God-please-no
claw fingers
of someone
who has eaten nothing
but beef jerky
and Kraft mac
for the last 19 days.

Needless to say
I'll be expecting a thank-you note
from the school
in short order.

To which I will reply

You are so welcome.

Oh my gosh, no problem at all. 

It's my PLEASURE. 

I'm just so happy 

the kids 

will be able to enjoy this 

beautiful book.