house rules: chapter 2: personal safety

House Rules
Chapter 2:
PERSONAL SAFETY

No dying

Perhaps I wasn't clear.

No dying on the stairs.
No dying in the shower.
No dying in the car.
No dying because you wanted to hug the cement mixer.
No dying from scarlet fever.
No dying from an infected toenail.
No dying of any kind whatsoever, period.
Any questions?

No murdering

I don't care how many times your brother has tried to eat your favorite truck, YOU MAY NOT MURDER HIM.

No hitting

"Hitting" in this context also includes but is not limited to:

pushing, slapping, punching, back-handed slapping, kicking, kneeing, elbowing, baby-tipping, head-butting, butt-butting, dragging across the carpet by any part of the body but especially the head and neck, throat-pushing, eye-gouging, nut-batting, ear-yanking, fine arm hair-pulling, uvula-groping, vag-smacking, finger-bending, gum-scraping, nose-twisting, or that little maneuver where you sit on your brother's neck with a vacant smile on your face.

Yes, that's hitting.

That too.

I can see you're thinking about it. And the answer is yes, hitting with rhythm sticks is still hitting albeit rhythmically.

The food in the lunch box is Chicken's food and Chicken's food alone

Don't even think about it. Don't even LOOK at it unless you want a trip to urgent care.

No grabbing

Specifically, no grabbing:

eyes

mom's phone

dad's phone

hot things

glasses of wine

knives

and especially

your poopy nuts.

Please please please believe me when I tell you something isn't safe

No running away from me at the zoo during spring break

No closing doors on your little fingers

I'll expand this rule to include the placing of fingers in any kind of machine or pinchy mechanism, including escalators, car trunk latches, paper shredders/electronic staplers/postage machines, teething babies' mouths, and airplane overhead bins.

Some things aren't optional, sorry

Some things are. You don't always have to eat your vegetables. I get it. Sometimes broccoli smells like farts. You don't always have to wash your hair in the bath. I get it. Sometimes you want that gritty lumberjack look. Sometimes your spoon is optional, even when you're eating soup. I'm not an uptight mom.

But some things in life are MANDATORY.

At this moment, I'm thinking specifically of seat belts, fiber in your diet, and sunscreen. But don't worry, there are a lot more not-optional things in life. I'll think of them later.

Oh! Getting booster shots. Flossing. Holding my hand in the parking lot. Signing the back of your credit card as soon as you get it. Going out on your friend's birthday even if you really don't want to.

Also these rules. None of these rules is optional. Not one. Sorry.