homeward bound: a quick word from the new baby

hi mom
I don't know if you remember me
from the birth
and every minute since that birth
but
I'm your baby
hey
what's up
so
I wanted to say a few things
while I have your attention

first just let me start by saying
your uterus?
four stars, mom
four fucking stars
that amniotic fluid?
perfect temp
and the flavor?
one word
umami

I dream about that umbilical cord
not too thick
not too thin
just right
it's the little things
that make or break the experience
and it's clear from my time
in you
that you get that
so
I'm already pretty psyched to be,
you know,
of you

so great
hi
here we are
nice to meet you
in person finally
right?

mom
that's so weird to call you that
mom

anyway
mom
I don't really know
because
I'm a fucking baby
but I'm guessing that this shit
is a mindfuck for you
too

I mean
look at me
I've spent my whole life up to
right now
in the pitch dark
upside down
in a jacuzzi
not breathing
not eating
occasionally grabbing
what they tell me is a "foot"
occasionally landing a "thumb"
in my
what do they call it?
oh
"eye"

so this world out here
with light
and loud
and breezes on my skin
dude
I
am
trippin

and sure
"out here" has been your home
for your whole life
but
you've never been a home
until now
and that
could really scare the shit out of somebody

I mean
think about it
yesterday you were just a lady
a hungry
bulbous
waddling
sweaty
lady
and today
you're
my table
my bed
my home
my entire planet
I guess

so
that's pretty fucked up
for you

I'm just taking a second to be in your shoes
you know
like
how do you even know what you're doing right now
how do you even know
if you should give me a bath
and how to make that shit happen?
am I even dirty?
do I even need a bath?
I mean
my skin could get super dry
if I take too many baths
but you see all those pics on facebook
of like
babies in the bath
so
should you do that?
or not?
how do you even know?

and the milk situation
mom
seriously
hard for me?
a fucking shit show for you
because all I have to do is like
open my mouth
and kind of
lunge
tongue-first
aim for the pink bit
and start gulping

but for you
you have to hold my body
and your boob
(which
by the way
smells awesome)
and you have to time it just right
and don't be scared that I might be hungry
and don't feel guilty if I don't latch right
and don't get frustrated at me
for fucking up my end
or booting all over you
and you have to somehow
know

in your cavewoman brain
if this is hard because it's new
or hard because it's wrong
and how are you supposed to know that?

mom
be honest with me here
please
just give it to me straight

is this how life is?
do people expect you
to just master
new
high-stakes
painful
scary shit
that you've never done before?

because if that's the case
please let me
back in
you
because I can't do fucking anything yet
seriously
I can't locate my hands
with my hands
much less acquire the ability
to feed a body
from my body
using all my limbs
at the same time
while remaining calm
and "enjoying every minute"

I think that's bullshit
I think it's ok
if this takes some time
I think it's fine
if we both
fuck each other up
a little

I think that's what
(I'm told)
love is:
two people
fucking each other up
bumping against each other
until they find a way
to carve out a space
a just-right place
the way
only they
fit together

and that shit takes time

mom
we've got time
and we've got this going for us:
you
are perfect
for me

you are exactly
who I need

there's a reason you grew me
and a reason I'm yours

no bullshit
mom
you
just you
as you are
right now
are everything I need
to be safe
healthy
and happy

and if you're scared
me too
let's go home
and close the door
against the light
the loud
the breezes on our skin
and work this shit out
together

starting
I think
with a snack