chicken's rules for mommy

Chicken's Rules for Mommy

October 15 Edition

1. Put down Baby Buster.

2. Do not attempt to change my diaper, especially if I have poops. Do not question me when I tell you that it's just farts.

3. Give me crackers.

4. NO, not those crackers.

5. Yes, the round crackers.

6. NO, not in a bowl!

7. Give me the entire box of crackers so that I can pick which 5 of the 400 identical crackers in the box are the best 5 crackers.

8. I don't want crackers. Make me eggs.

9. NOT REAL EGGS!

10. Put the broken egg shells back together and pour the egg back inside the repaired egg shells. Then come crack open my plastic Easter eggs and pretend to make me eggs in my play kitchen. That's right. Whisk HARDER.

11. Buster is crying. No, you may not pick up Baby Buster. Come pretend I'm invisible while I stand in the middle of the room.

12. Clip my toenails while singing a song about clipping my toenails.

13. Not that song. A new one. Make up a new toenail-clipping song. With penguins in it.

14. Turn on a Dora.

15. NO! Dinosaur Train!

16. NO! DORA!

17. A Dora episode about Dinosaur Train! FIND IT.

18. Actually, I'd like to go outside and sit in the middle of the road.

19. If you find rule #18 unacceptable, I reserve the right to kick you in the boobs while you're hauling me back onto the sidewalk.

20. Effective immediately, you may no longer use the expression "mm hmm" to respond in the affirmative. I am the only person who may say "mm hmm." Do you understand?

21. NO! You're not allowed to say "mm hmm!"

22. Please list the names of everyone I know and pause after each name so I can say "mm hmm."

23. No, you may not repeat any names.

24. No you cannot ever stop.

25. Read me three stories before naptime.

26. Each of those stories will be read 14 times.

27. Make up a song about oranges. Yes, it has to rhyme. You're not Bob Dylan.

28. I would like to sit on Buster's head to see if it's spongy. Make no attempt to stop me.

29. If you find rule #28 unacceptable, I reserve the right to run screaming into my bedroom and take all the dirty diapers out of the garbage and place a single poopy diaper on each of the circles on my bedroom rug.

30. If you find rule #29 unacceptable, I will accept a single cherry tomato placed inside each of my stacking wobbly cups.

The above rules are effective immediately until they're not anymore which could already have happened or it may never happen, you'll just have to wait and see.