10 things i suck at
1. Estimating how much dry spaghetti to cook for 2 adults.
A box, right? Or, like, a box and a half? If we're hungry?
2. Estimating distances or quantities by sight alone.
We were at a concert last night and we were seriously, like, 20 feet from the stage. Or yards. Like, yeah, 20 yards from the stage. Maybe miles? Not miles. Maybe kilometers?
And the crowd? Man, there must have been... at least... two... hundred... and... twenty? It was packed. So maybe more than 220. Maybe, like, a thousand?
3. Picking the fast lane at the grocery store.
Lane 2 has only one guy but he's buying 30 individual Power Bars.
Lane 3 has 2 ladies, with baskets, and the first one has that "I'm also going to need a price check on this avocado, and a book of stamps, oh, and I forgot to get paprika I'll be right back" look about her. Lane 4 has one lady with a baby and she's buying one package of diapers.
I'm going Lane 3. I've got a good feeling about this one.
4. Doing my hair.
I'm always surprised when I look like I just stepped out of a tornado. But I guess that's what happens when you shower once a week and then go to bed with your hair wet.
5. Accepting a compliment.
- That pasta was delicious!
- NO IT WASN'T. STOP LYING TO ME. STOP LYING AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.
6. Putting away laundry.
I'm fine with sucking at this. It's pointless.
7. Doing nothing. Or even just doing one thing at a time.
While I'm typing this post I'm also eating lunch and scheduling a play date for tomorrow morning and making a grocery list.
8. Remembering people's birthdays.
I should own stock in belated birthday cards. Is that a thing I can buy stock in? There's probably a company called "Oh Shit What Day Is It Greetings LLC" I'll check it out and get back to you. But not until at least a month after your birthday.
9. Maintaining my composure when hungry, hot, thirsty, or tired.
Basically I would win Survivor by murdering all the other contestants on the first afternoon. I'm pretty sure I'd have maritime law on my side.
10. Not framing pictures.
They're all framed. My entire house is gallery walls. And guess what, bitches? I just had another baby. So we're all going to need to scootch in a little tighter and make room for Buster.
A box, right? Or, like, a box and a half? If we're hungry?
2. Estimating distances or quantities by sight alone.
We were at a concert last night and we were seriously, like, 20 feet from the stage. Or yards. Like, yeah, 20 yards from the stage. Maybe miles? Not miles. Maybe kilometers?
And the crowd? Man, there must have been... at least... two... hundred... and... twenty? It was packed. So maybe more than 220. Maybe, like, a thousand?
3. Picking the fast lane at the grocery store.
Lane 2 has only one guy but he's buying 30 individual Power Bars.
Lane 3 has 2 ladies, with baskets, and the first one has that "I'm also going to need a price check on this avocado, and a book of stamps, oh, and I forgot to get paprika I'll be right back" look about her. Lane 4 has one lady with a baby and she's buying one package of diapers.
I'm going Lane 3. I've got a good feeling about this one.
4. Doing my hair.
I'm always surprised when I look like I just stepped out of a tornado. But I guess that's what happens when you shower once a week and then go to bed with your hair wet.
5. Accepting a compliment.
- That pasta was delicious!
- NO IT WASN'T. STOP LYING TO ME. STOP LYING AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.
6. Putting away laundry.
I'm fine with sucking at this. It's pointless.
7. Doing nothing. Or even just doing one thing at a time.
While I'm typing this post I'm also eating lunch and scheduling a play date for tomorrow morning and making a grocery list.
8. Remembering people's birthdays.
I should own stock in belated birthday cards. Is that a thing I can buy stock in? There's probably a company called "Oh Shit What Day Is It Greetings LLC" I'll check it out and get back to you. But not until at least a month after your birthday.
9. Maintaining my composure when hungry, hot, thirsty, or tired.
Basically I would win Survivor by murdering all the other contestants on the first afternoon. I'm pretty sure I'd have maritime law on my side.
10. Not framing pictures.
They're all framed. My entire house is gallery walls. And guess what, bitches? I just had another baby. So we're all going to need to scootch in a little tighter and make room for Buster.