top four things you probably shouldn't say to your baby but you have. you know you have.

1. You're being an asshole. (douchebag, doucher, and dick are also appropriate here)

2. I have to go get another diaper, so I'm just going to leave you on this changing table for like 10 seconds, so... don't roll, ok?

3. You're driving me batshit crazy, kid.

4. Here, try some of mommy's Chardonnay. A little more...