Oh I’d like to write 2,000 carefully chosen words on SELFISHNESS and the TOXIC LIE OF AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM and GREEDY SCHMUCKS WITH NO SELF-CONTROL because WE ALL WANT FUCKING BRUNCH, PATTY, but some of us have enough adult perspective not to confuse INCONVENIENCE with OPPRESSION.

But look, the choices of a BRAYING HERD OF TURDBURGULARS IN THE POOL are well and truly beyond my control, so I’m gonna give about a hundred words to those DISCO TURKEYS and their UNMASKED HERITAGE FREEDOM CON thrown by the PROUD SONS OF A GREAT NATION FOUNDATION with the “Cough in My Mouth If You Love America” merch, and move on to things I CAN control.

If the first wave ever technically ended—and we could debate that if we really wanted to but please, please let’s not—then we’re riding high at the beginning of a second wave. I’m not an expert but I listen to experts. And by experts I mean scientists and doctors. And by doctors I DO NOT MEAN Doctors Oz, Phil, and Laura Schlessinger.

I’m talking pocket-protecting, journal-subscribing, proposed to my wife using the periodic table of elements, told my husband I was pregnant over an electron microscope, nerdariffic dorkalicious, love is double-blind DOCTORS and SCIENTISTS. I’m talking people with luscious crania who care more about FACTS than MESSAGING.

Where was I?

Oh, right. Second wave.

And you can bet your last roll of toilet paper that we’re going to see recent history repeating itself. Shortages of staples, long lines at stores, stay-home orders, a fucking HISTORIC RUN on JIGSAW PUZZLES that I MAY NEVER GET OVER.

The first wave was a survival moment: how can we get through, this moment, today? Coping mechanisms took over from actual routines and established systems. We were all treading water, band-aiding our lives, waiting for the all-clear that we were sure was just a flip of the calendar away.

Several flips later, one of the reasons I find the pandemic so exhausting is that I’ve resisted embracing #quarantinelife as the new normal. For weeks, it felt like the longer I treated this season like it was a bizarro anomaly, a freak thunderstorm that came out of nowhere, the longer I could keep huddling under a fallen tree and feel proud of myself for finding a safe place quickly. Fall on your knees, Bear Grylls! This lady’s got grit for days! She’s a survivor! A quick thinker! A “get it doner!”

That’s what I felt like for months.

Now I’m just a chick sitting in wet leaves.

I’m not saying it’s time to come out - the storm’s still raging. I am saying it’s past time we settled in and accepted it: we live here now. Perhaps we could make it a little more comfortable and begin to create those routines and systems that allow us to get ahead of the day and meet the freaking moment, rather than clinging to the hope that we’ll wake up one morning to find out that the USPS is distributing an FDA-approved COVID vaccine door-to-door, and the crisis is officially “over.”

Maybe it’ll happen this morning!!! … no? Bummer.

But maybe this afternoon!!! …

(Hopefully it goes without saying that any visits, purchases, or other in-person prep should be done masked, at a safe social distance, and then ONLY if you feel comfortable doing it with the level of COVID in your state right now.)

So let’s take a few minutes and talk about prepping for that second wave, shall we? It’s what we can control today. I’m dividing my prep into categories by need: physical, emotional/social, and community.

Physical

• Stock up on (DO NOT HOARD) medications, household cleaners, sanitizer, hand soap, laundry detergent, dish detergent, and paper goods. “Stock up on” means “grab an extra bottle,” not “clear the shelf.” The thing about sanitizer is that it only really works if everybody can use it, so leave some for other people to use.

• Stock up on (DO NOT HOARD) pantry staples and pet supplies. Play Tetris in your freezer.

• Ensure everyone in the family has at least a couple of masks.

• If you have little kids, make sure they practice wearing masks periodically. They will have to wear them to doctor’s offices, grocery stores, and school in the fall, so the more you can get them comfortable, the easier those transitions will be.

• Make a list of online resources for physical activity you and your family can do inside your house or in your backyard. If you have kids, I recommend GoNoodle and Cosmic Kids Yoga. Even if you can’t get outside or in public, moving your body is incredibly important to stabilize your mood and health.

• Is your home office comfortable? How’s the chair? The light? Do you need a squishy floor mat? A stand to elevate your keyboard? Make sure the place where you’re going to work is good for your body.

• Make sure your first aid kit is in good shape and make decisions based on staying out of the hospital. Can you reach it by balancing on a busted bar stool with one foot? To paraphrase the words of Dr. Ian Malcolm (who is NOT THE SAME PERSON as Jeff “Grabbyhands” Goldblum): Don’t be so preoccupied with whether or not you can. Stop to think if you should.

• While you’re at it and while we can, get in for a physical and a dental cleaning.

• Visit the chiropractor, massage therapist, podiatrist, anyone in the regular rotation to help you manage chronic issues, and get a plan together for if you have to lock down again.

• And while you’re at it! When was the last time you had the oil changed? Take your vehicle in for a checkup. We had a car go down a week into the first stay-home order and on the one hand, whatever, we had another vehicle and were staying home. On the other hand, if we’d only had one vehicle how the heck were we going to get groceries?

• Make sure your birth control is locked and loaded. GOALIE? IN PLACE.

• And about those antibody tests - it’s your body and you do what you want with it. Just make sure you check out the numbers on the rate of false positives that might give a staggering number of patients a false sense of security when it comes to the second wave, and remember that we don’t yet know if antibodies correlate to any increased immunity. In fact, a recent study from China found that COVID antibodies decline pretty rapidly.

• Pick a water glass or water bottle that you refill four times every day.

Emotional/Social

• Establish a relationship with a mental health expert if you think you need one. Or, actually, “need” is such a loaded word. People often think they have to be one breath away from drowning before they wave for a lifeguard. You don’t have to be in crisis to need support. If you would love to have a few minutes every week to check in, restabilize yourself, and get some more tools for maintaining your mental health, go ahead and look into establishing a relationship with a mental health expert.

• Don’t be afraid to ask your PCP for medication if you’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression. This is a BITCH of a season, people. Almost everyone I know has gone up on their dose, including this lady.

• Stock up on some shelf-stable comfort foods (your favorites and your kids’ favorites, if you have wee ones).

• Reconsider leaning so hard into booze. Yes, it takes the edge off. It might be nice to have a couple bottles standing by in case of emergency. However, do we really need more depressants in the second wave? I’m not saying DON’T BUY ALL THE BOOZE. I’m just saying… what about ice cream? Or popcorn? Dildos? Or jigsaw puzzles, if you’ve got a guy on the black market? Are there alternatives to margaritas and all the pinot? I don’t know! I’m just asking! Thinking out loud over here!

• Do a check-in with your partner, if you have one. How are things going? How’s the distribution of labor? Any exciting new pet peeves that have cropped up during quarantine? Can you give each other more sleep? Can you give each other more time alone? Apart? Together?

• Do a check in with your kids, if you have them. Do they have any questions about what’s going on? Be age-appropriately honest with them. Remember to always end the conversation with a three-part reassurance: first, that you, the adult, have got this and you won’t let them do anything unsafe; second, that everybody is feeling worried and weird about what’s going on, and it’s totally okay to feel that way, too; third, that anytime they have questions you’ll always be there to talk about it, and you’ll always be honest with them.

• Do you have a hobby? What are you doing for fun right now? Pick up the dusty knitting needles or start that online barre class. Screen junkie? Start a series everyone’s always talked about but you never had the chance to dig into, or pick a director and watch all their movies in chronological order. Or read every Beverly Jenkins historical romance you can get your paws on. What sounds yummy and fun?

• Stock up on a few emergency toys if you have kids - small LEGO sets, coloring or activity books, craft kits, those potholder looms, a new card game, etc. Hide them. Hide them well. This is not Christmas in July. This is your prepper stash for the dog days of August.

• Check in with the household budget. If you can set a little extra aside every month in case of instability or surprise needs, do that ASAP.

• Make sure you have a digital account at your local library system so you can download ebooks and audiobooks.

• Internet socializing is fraught as hell people, especially right now. If Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Reddit are making you feel connected to a community, informed and empowered, or joyful, rock on! When you find your heart rate elevated after watching outrage porn that doesn’t inform or educate or connect and only exists to agitate your sympathetic nervous system, log off.

• Don’t overcommit yourself to Zoom meetups or happy hours. It’s so easy to burn out staring at those screens. Instead, exchange emails with a dear friend or go old-school and CALL THEM while you’re folding laundry or taking a walk.

• And as far as the kids go - let them take the lead on Zooms, virtual play dates, etc. If they’re not feeling it, don’t force it. My kids hate them, but for awhile there I was like “YOU HAVE TO DO IT IT’S FUN NOW SIT DOWN AND HAVE FUN WITH YOUR FRIEND.” Look for my parenting book in 2021.

Community

• If you’ve never had a relationship with your neighbors before, now’s the time to start one. Introduce yourself at an appropriate distance, exchange contact info, and next time you’re placing a grocery order, reach out to see if they need anything. My neighbor came through with puzzles when the entire internet failed me. Those puzzles saved my bacon.

• Shop small and local whenever you safely can. I’ve started spending some of my pin money on bouquets of fresh flowers from one of our local farmers who usually does the lion’s share of their business at Pike Place Market. $10 a week to support a small farmer, and bonus, I get to feel like a fancy fresh flower lady in a Nancy Meyers movie!

• Buy Black whenever you can. Here are a few of my favorite Black-owned businesses.

• Make a recurring monthly donation to your local food bank, if you can.

• Make a recurring monthly donation to your local Native tribe, or if your local tribe doesn’t have a donation channel, donate to the Navajo nation.

• Reach out to a couple of friends and arrange a puzzle swap, book swap, toy swap. Every Tuesday (or whatever! There are no rules! Make it on the Blood Moon!) do a contactless exchange of goods to keep your shit fresh. (Make sure to wipe down your toys, please.)

• CHECK YOUR VOTER REGISTRATION IMMEDIATELY AND IF YOU ARE ELIGIBLE, REGISTER FOR YOUR MAIL-IN OR ABSENTEE BALLOT AS SOON AS YOU CAN.

• Pick a local candidate to support - I’m looking at my state senate race. Can you volunteer for them? Donate to them? Running for office right now is probably like hiding under that tree in the wet leaves, but with a blowout and a megaphone? IDK it sounds soggy as hell. Support candidates you want to see making decisions for your family, and remember that elections are like riding the bus, not taking a taxi. Pick the line that gets you closest to where you want to be, and then commit to getting yourself the rest of the way there.

• In terms of planning for school in the fall: Please don’t yell at your kids’ teachers. Nobody’s happy and no solution will be as good as “regular school.” Teachers are waiting for state guidelines to get handed to the district, and district recommendations to get handed to the schools, and school leadership to make choices for their families. If you need to yell at someone, call Mitch McConnell’s office at 202-224-2541 and let ‘er rip.

• Arm yourself with information. If distance learning was a nightmare, start exploring your homeschool options. Personally, I’m adopting a “hope for the best, prepare to homeschool” approach. However, if homeschool isn’t possible for you because of your work schedule or other family needs, start a conversation with your partner or other co-caregivers about what the fall might look like.

If you have any other tips for prepping for the next wave, please drop them in the comments!