Dear Restaurants.

I don't care what Red Tricycle said.

Putting a grilled cheese sandwich on the menu does not make you kid-friendly.

Please remove the cityscape of seventeen glass bottles of house-made Tobasco from the table, or you will never forget the screaming.

Also, I've been here 19 minutes and you haven't taken my order. I should have said something when I came in, but with this crew my top limit, enter to exodus, is 28 minutes.

So I guess we'll just take these two adult-sized unlidded ice waters that you set down four inches in front of my children - DEEP in the red zone, man, DEEP in there.

No, we don't need to go cups. They've already poured them into their laps.

Thanks though.

Katie