5 Racist Anti-Racism Responses “Good” White Women Give to Viral Posts
Five Racist Anti-Racism Responses “Good” White Women Give to Viral Posts
& The Only Kind of Response That’s Acceptable
Hi, I’m Katie. I’m white, and this post is for other white folks.
This post wouldn’t exist without the education I received by the grace of Lace on Race, Real Talk: WOC & Allies for Racial Justice and Anti-Oppression, and Tamela Gordon’s Black Feminist Book Club.
***
STOP!
Before you go any further,
read & share this article by Kandise Le Blanc.
Now is the time to #amplifymelanatedvoices!
***
You’ve probably seen the video of Amy Cooper, member of the white women’s masked anti-leash-law brigade, freaking the fuck out at a Black birder named Chris Cooper (no relation, OBVIOUSLY, I don’t even know why I had to say that) in Central Park.
He asked her to leash her dog. She refused. She screamed at Chris that she would call the cops and tell them he was Black. "I'm going to tell them there's an African American man threatening my life," she says.* And then she called those cops, changing the affect of her voice to a higher, more tremulous pitch so as to sound more like a victim.
*quote added for clarity after original publication at a reader’s request: It’s important to know that she decided to lie about this man to the police, said as much out loud, and then executed her plan. It’s important to hear her intentions in her own words.
This post isn’t about the video. It’s about the responses to the video. Specifically, social media responses by progressive white women that might have come from a good place, but hoo boy, do they land in the bad place.
This post is about racist anti-racism, so prevalent in the instincts that led to millions of unexamined reactions to an act of racist violence.
So here they are. Five racist anti-racism responses that “good” white women give to viral posts.
1. The Self-Flagellating “I’m So Ashamed to be a White Woman” Response
Why do you want to say it?
I often feel personally ashamed when I see white women merrily fanning the flames of white supremacy. I often feel guilty about things another white woman did. I often feel tempted to say as much out loud in public.
But why, Katie?
Because it’s disgusting. I want to express my disgust.
But why, Katie?
Because I’m overwhelmed by the awfulness of what happened. Because I want to normalize white people talking about race. And so everyone knows I’m disgusted by it.
Ah. So this is about you, then.
Yes, it is.
What’s the problem with it?
I’m not saying you should ignore your feelings. I’m questioning the impulse to express them in the context of calling attention to a person who survived an assault. I share your feelings. But we have to recognize that there’s a difference between experiencing those feelings, and dropping them in a public discourse, along with an implicit request for absolution.
The “I’m so ashamed” response is about you. There are two problems with making a conversation about racist violence about your level of disgust with racist violence:
It doesn’t address the systems or personal choices that led to the racist violence, nor does it focus on the person who actually experienced the racist violence. It focuses on the inner lives of white people who are imagining both what it would feel like to have to survive that kind of assault, and also what it would feel like to have committed it. The work you need to do? It isn’t identifying the surface emotion (shame!) and calling it a day. The work you need to do is identifying what parts of yourself you recognize in Amy (they are there), and what parts you see in the community around you.
On some level, telegraphing our disgust with racism encourages white people to see “talking about racism” as on par with “engaging in anti-racism,” and it is not. We all agree that racism is an abhorrent stain on our culture, past, and present. We all feel ashamed. We all hate the racism. But what’s the next step in that conversation? We don’t get a prize for being willing to talk about racism. We certainly don’t get a prize for feeling shitty that racism exists. It’s insulting that so many of us are willing to congratulate ourselves for meeting a bar so low it’s buried under ground.
INSTEAD OF POSTING “I’m so ashamed”…
Do not say that. Say "I see you," or "that's awful," an expression of connection that isn't about you and your feelings. Remind yourself that Chris is the most important person here.
Like the comments of other posters and find some new voices to follow in the comments section.
Those feelings of shame and disgust are real. You’ve got to process them before you can let them go. Process them privately, on your own or with another (WHITE) friend.
*** Update, 6/3/2020 ***
These “Instead ofs” used to include “I’m sorry,” as a good option for something to say. After a long talk with an incredible woman, I’ve removed “I’m sorry” from this post. I plan to write more about that when it’s appropriate for me to re-enter the conversation, but for now, understand that a nonspecific “I’m sorry” communicates a division between the person in pain and the person providing comfort. There can be no such division in anti-racism. “I’m sorry for your experience,” could easily telegraph an unspoken addendum: “But I won’t make it my experience.”
Racism seeks to make all of us less human. Our whiteness doesn’t inoculate us against the toxicity of racism. We have to be in this fight, and not because we’re “nice people.” Our skin is in this game, too.
If you’re apologizing, apologize as one human to another, for something you did or neglected to do, a la:
“I’m sorry I didn’t take the time to learn about this before. It was selfish. I’m here now.”
***end update***
2. The “Not All White Women Are Like That, Personally I Hate Her” Response
Why do you want to say it?
Many of the comments, especially comments by people of color, will say things like “White women always do this,” or “White women are so dangerous.”
You want to say “Not all white women!” because you would never do that! You want to make sure they know you’re on their side here! And besides, you’re not dangerous! You’re just as disgusted as they are.
What’s the problem with it?
It’s funny how many “not all white women” posts ACTUALLY BEGIN WITH THE WORDS “NOT ALL WHITE WOMEN.”
These responses follow a pretty standard formula:
“Not all white women” + act of racist violence + “Some of us” + claim to have experienced racism as a white person/some other form of marginalization + “I myself” + claim of anti-racist cred including but not limited to “I have black children,” “I married a black person,” “I work with black people,” “I marched for BLM,” or “I minored in African-American studies” + “I’m on YOUR SIDE here!”
Please allow me to take you on a journey of snorkeling. (Stay with me, I have a point.)
So imagine you’re snorkeling. You’re splishin and a-splashin, enjoying the pretty fishies, living your best life out there in the sunny warm water.
And suddenly, you come face-to-face with a shark.
Has *this* shark ever bitten you? No.
Has *this* shark chomped your leg off? No!
Is it therefore reasonable for you to snuggle up to Great-Whitey McChompers, because you don’t want to judge all sharks?
Hell, no. You’ve got shit to live for. And that’s not hyperbole, not in the context of snorkeling with sharks, nor in the context of being Black under white supremacy.
REAL TALK. THAT’S A SHARK. I KNOW WHAT A SHARKS DO. Even if this shark hasn’t done it yet, I’m not willing to risk my life to prove that this shark is one of the good ones. #Notallsharks.
“Not all sharks” asks snorkelers to snuggle up to sharks, to make sure the shark feels good. “Not all white people” asks Black people to be willing to stop trying to save their own lives, to take care of white people’s feelings.
To be even clearer, when you respond to a post about racist violence by immediately saying “But I’VE NEVER DONE THAT!” you completely miss the point.
You didn’t do it, BUT. IT. HAPPENED.
This viral post with 175k likes is not about whether or not you, Jenna, have ever called the cops on a Black bird watcher. This viral post is about AMY, a WOMAN. WHO. DID, and Chris, the MAN. SHE. DID. IT. TO.
When you insert yourself into the conversation as an example of “a good one,” here’s what you do:
Undercut the validity of the facts of what actually happened, because if you’re talking about “not all white people enact racist violence!” then you’re not talking about the fact that all Black people experience racist violence.
Shift the focus of the conversation away from the disgusting crime that occurred and could have killed a man, and toward your sweetness and light. (proving that you don’t want to talk about actual racism so much as you want to talk about how cool you are.)
Tell on yourself, because there are no good ones.
White supremacy promises white people, and especially white women, that their kind hearts will make them welcome in every situation. The truth is, we are not welcome in every situation. Our kind hearts are still super racist. All of ‘em. Always will be. Pretending we’re not exactly what we are only puts more Black people in front of our blundering, clumsy, flailing, thoroughly racist anti-racism. So if you really want to start working on anti-racism? Stop lying.
INSTEAD OF POSTING “Not all White Women…”
DO NOT SAY THAT. Say, "I see you," or "that's awful," an expression of connection that isn't about you and your feelings.
Remind yourself that Chris is the most important person here.
Like the comments of other posters and find some new voices to follow in the comments section.
Then write this down and stick it to your mirror: “It’s not about me.”
3. The “Focusing on a Non-Racist Element of the Video” Response
Why do you want to say it?
Everyone’s talking about the racism stuff. You don’t have anything to add to that conversation. Racism is such a huge problem. It’s overwhelming, and there are so many ways a well-intentioned comment can go wrong. Better to not step in that ring just now.
But holy shit, have you seen what that woman is doing to her dog??? A dog is a problem with a solution! That is so wrong! Nobody could possibly defend the way she’s treating that dog! Reverse Google image search! Get on LinkedIn! Find her employer! Ping the organization she adopted from! HAS ANYONE SEEN THE DOG?
Of course you care about the man, too. But he’s okay. He made it. Now, we have to save the dog!
What’s the problem with it?
If you see animal abuse as incontrovertibly wrong, but you see shades of gray in watching a white woman feign hysteria on the phone with the police in the hopes of getting a black man at best incarcerated and at worst killed, you’ve assigned humanity to the wrong mammal here.
Notice how easily you’re able to make the animal abuse NOT ABOUT YOU, but about the victim. Notice how many ways you stumble trying to do the same thing for Chris. “I’m so ashamed! Not all white women!”
Count the comments about the dog. Count the comments about white women’s feelings.
Then count the comments about Chris.
I’m not saying animal abuse is cool. It’s CLEARLY NOT. If this were a video of a woman strangling a dog in Central Park, your outrage would be totally appropriate. I’m happy as fuck she had that dog taken away, but this is not a happy ending.
This is a video of a woman assaulting a man and trying to get him killed. What she did to the dog is also shitty. Nobody’s saying it’s not. But seriously.
Stop. Talking. About. The Dog.
You just watched an attempted lynching. Experience that. Sit with it. Understand the weight of history in this moment:
Amy isn’t just one more woman calling 911 for no reason at all; she’s the granddaughter of the woman who called the cops on a little boy named Emmett, who is the granddaughter of a woman who did worse to boys whose names we don’t know.
Chris isn’t just one more birder who happened to have his phone out; he’s the grandson of Black men who had to learn how to survive in spite of women who’d have them killed them for no reason at all, who survived by learning their grandfathers’ lessons, too.
You and I are not just a couple of women struggling to figure out how to respond to the grotesque display we just witnessed; we are the granddaughters of the people who wrung their hands and shook their heads and said, “That’s a shame, they ruined his trousers.” and didn’t do a damn thing but feel bad about it.
INSTEAD OF POSTING ABOUT THE DOG…
DO. NOT. SAY. THAT. Say "I see you," or "that's awful," an expression of connection that isn't about you and your feelings. Remind yourself that Chris is the most important person (and mammal!) here.
Like the comments of other posters and find some new voices to follow in the comments section.
Talk to another (WHITE) friend about why it’s so easy to find empathy for animals and so hard to do the same thing for other human beings.
4. The “If I Had Been There, I WOULD HAVE…” Response
Why do you want to say it?
You’re mad! You wish you’d been there. You wish you could tell Amy how shitty and gross she is. You would have stomped Amy’s ass. When she said she was gonna call the cops you would’ve snatched her phone out of her hand and said, “What is wrong with you! You oughta be ashamed of yourself! Get your dog on a leash and get the hell outta here! I WILL MAIL YOU YOUR PHONE, you hateful shitbird.”
What’s the problem with it?
You know what? I think you’re ready to take this one. Pop quiz, hotshot.
This problem with this is that the response is about:
a) Chris’s Experience
b) Systemic Racism and How We Can Recognize and Dismantle It
c) You Feeling Good About Yourself
YEP! Here we are again.
So much of racist anti-racism is about finding another channel in which white people can save the day.
In this scenario, you’re using a Black man’s trauma to daydream your own personal Wonder Woman sequel. It’s gross. Don’t do it.
INSTEAD OF POSTING “IF I’D BEEN THERE…”
Take some time to learn about what to do if you do witness a racist assault like this one. Know what you can do to help protect Black people from racists who look like you. Know what you can do to protect Black people from YOU, too, because white people can step into a fraught situation and make it a whole lot worse for the Black person involved.
Oh, and also DO NOT SAY THAT. Say "I see you," or "that's awful.” Remind yourself that Chris is the most important person here.
Like the comments of other posters and find some new voices to follow in the comments section.
5. The “Graduate of An Anti-Racism Seminar Explains The Roots of Systemic Racism” Response
Why do you want to say it?
Well, once I learned the roots of how white women have perpetuated racist violence throughout history, I felt it was my obligation to share that knowledge with my fellow whites. Also, interestingly, even though police officers shoot fewer Black people than white people every year, they do actually shoot a disproportionate percentage of the Black population, which seems to be evidence supporting the claim that Black communities suffer from overpolicing and increased violence at the hands of the state.
What’s the problem with it?
Well, hi, yes, this is all about you again. This time your racist anti-racism isn’t casting you as the martyr, the innocent, the off-target empath, or the action star. This time your racist anti-racism is casting you as the professor.
Question:
Do you think that there is any level of study you could commit to, any number of hours in a week, every week, every month, every year, that would better educate you about racism than the life of a Black person has educated them?
And do you think, when it comes to witnessing violent racism, like we all just did, your voice is better positioned to share the realities of living with the impact of that racism than the voices of the people who actually live it?
You probably don’t think that. You probably think you’re helping, sharing information, being a white voice that white ears can more easily hear. And this one’s tricky in a way, because that is part of our job in anti-racism.
But over-intellectualization is one way we tend to distance ourselves from the brutal reality of racism. Chris isn’t a case. He’s a man. Amy isn’t a thought experiment. She’s a woman. She would have been happy to have him killed for asking her to leash her dog. Experience it. You witnessed it. Don’t park it in the spot designated “Interesting racism examples.” Let it chill you. You are human and so is he. His life matters. Let the possibilities of what could have happened chill you.
INSTEAD OF POSTING FUN FACTS ABOUT RACISM YOU LEARNED AT THE WORKSHOP…
Do not say that.
Say "I see you," or "that's awful." Say something one human says to another human when they see pain.
Remind yourself that Chris is the most important person here.
There’s only one way to respond.
Watch. Read. Listen. Learn. Let it chill you.
Do not respond instinctively, but do not turn away.
It’s not about you, but you must be here to experience it.
You’re not the martyr, nor an innocent, nor the hero, nor the teacher.
You’re a witness. It’s not about you, but you must be present.
Do not respond like you always have. Not yet. Absorb it. Let it change you.
*** EDITED TO ADD (5/27/2020) ***
RESOURCES & FAQs
This post moved farther and faster than I anticipated! Thank you to those who have shared and written in, both with questions and opinions. I’m adding a few of the most common questions, some requested resources, and one final note.
How is “Do not respond” different from “silence is compliance”?
This post identifies five of the most common racist anti-racist mistakes made by well-meaning would-be allies, analyzing the intention behind them, recognizing the harm of their impact, and presenting an alternative to these harmful mistakes. In this context, I offer “do not respond,” as the better alternative to stepping in the same lily-white cow pies that millions of your sisters have stepped in before you.
So many passionately anti-racist white folks dive into anti-racism without first doing the internal work of learning to recognize all the ways they’re dangerous and clumsy with the POC around them. Of course, the goal is to be able to speak up, have these conversations with our coworkers, friends, families, and networks. However, if you don’t first learn how to un-center yourself, then the conversations you’ll be having will remain conversations about how white people feel about racism. They’ll make you feel good, but they won’t change anything.
I understand what NOT to say… what CAN I say?
Let me answer your question with another question! What can you say… to do what? To achieve what purpose? To prove that Not All White People… wait… To prove that I’m ashamed of… oh, I see what you did there.
To comfort Black people who have once again been reminded of the threats that await them when they go BIRDING? There’s nothing you can say. It’s fucking horrifying and you can say so. You can say “I’m sorry.” You can say “That’s awful.” Do those feel insufficient? That’s because they are. There’s nothing any of us can say.
However, there are things you can DO. Quoting Rachel Cargle (her words in bold):
"When I keep you informed on the blatant abuse, racism and trauma happening to women of color and their families, I need to hear:
'I've found an organization that helps in these types of instances and I've donated money.'
Here are links to some orgs that Cargle highlights:
Or any local organization serving people of color, that is also led by people of color. Here in Washington, I donate and volunteer for a group called Making Connections, a college readiness mentorship program for first-generation young women of color. If you have a local organization you’d like to shout out, please post in the comments!
'I've brought this topic up to my coworkers and family so we can talk through what's happening.'
Commit to learning how to talk about race, accepting that your anti-racism is not the solution to a problem, but rather a recovery program that will last a lifetime. There are thousands of articles and numerous books written about how to have conversations with loved ones about race. Two things here:
Yes, I’m aware of the irony of being a white woman saying this, but when you look for anti-racism advice, you should always look for information by people of color. Not only will you be learning from experts, but you’ll also be economically supporting people of color by consuming, sharing, and purchasing their content. I recommend Ijeoma Oluo’s So You Want to Talk About Race.
Do not call up your Black friend to ask their advice. There is so much information out there. Go find it.
'I've researched more on this and I have learned more about the history of this particular race issue we have in our country.'
Again, there is so much information out there about the history of race violence in America. 13th is streaming on Netflix. So is When They See Us.
Ibram X. Kendi compiled a reading list for you.
On the internet, there are so many incredible educators. I personally follow and support Lace on Race, Real Talk: WOC & Allies for Racial Justice and Anti-Oppression, and Tamela Gordon’s Black Feminist Book Club.
Your shock isn't enough. Your wow isn't solidarity. Your actions are the only thing I can accept at this point."
Why did you write this post about how these stories are not about white women, and end it with the mandate that white women must let it change us? Doesn’t that make it… about us?
Ugh, I know. It’s a paradox. You have to work on yourself to learn to uncenter yourself. You have to look hard at yourself to unlearn your self-myopia. You have to stare long into the mirror to remember there’s other shit you need to be watching. This is step one.
What about white men? Don’t they do the same things that white women do?
Good question. I wrote this piece specifically for white women because the offender in this case was a white woman, and anecdotally, I was seeing the vast majority of these responses from other white women. Of course white men are racist, too, and need to do the same work of de-centering themselves.
White women play a critical and unique role in upholding white supremacy through weaponizing the myth of their fragility - again, if you haven’t watch 13th immediately. Men have used "the defense of a white woman’s honor” as an excuse to abuse, assault, enslave, and murder Black men for hundreds of years.
Also, because white women experience the pointy end of sexist oppression, we sometimes feel inoculated against jabbing anyone else. We have to learn that as white people, we have a pointy end too, and we’re responsible for keeping the people around us safe.
Finally, I wanted to include a final comment in response to a note I got from a reader who is a person of color. This person said it’s isolating and frustrating to see only Black voices raised in outrage, over and over again. This person said they WANT to see white folks raise their voices in outrage.
I wanted to share this comment so you understand two things:
There is no “right” way to do anti-racism. People of color deserve a wide range of support and justice from people like you and me. You might say something that offends one person of color and validates another. You might get checked.
And in that situation, it’s your job to apologize to the person you offended, and resist the urge to ask for a cookie from the person you validated. You’ll fuck up. Apologize, learn, and do better next time.
“Do not respond” is the first step, the moment that you decide to notice your instinct, question it, and choose to start changing it.
You can’t stay on that first step. There are millions of resources out there for you. Keep going. If you have a question, shoot me an email.
xoxo
*Please note that I changed the word choice in this post from “Do not respond” to “Do not say that,” after the post was live.
Thanks for reading! Make sure to sign up for a quick email whenever I post something new.
Please follow KatyKatiKate on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Those free clicks help my little blog grow.
These donation links have been updated (5/31/20) to meet the most urgent needs in light of the nationwide protests.
If you have $5 to give today, please donate to your community bail relief fund
If you have more to give, please join, follow, and financially support Lace on Race, Real Talk: WOC & Allies for Racial Justice and Anti-Oppression, and Tamela Gordon’s Black Feminist Book Club. These women have been doing the incredible work of educating white folks about race for years.
Still have more to give? Donate to your food bank here. Your $5 = 50 meals to families in need across the country.