One time I entered my apple pie into a city-wide baking contest and it won. It was amazing. But then again, who knows. Most of the people in my city share a similar point of view about what constitutes a great pie, so it was kind of a gimme.

Then, I entered my apple pie into a state-wide baking contest, and holy cow, it won! That pie is something special. Even people who live in different cities, in the country, all the way up north on the border, they all love my apple pie!

Then, I entered my apple pie into a regional baking contest, and would you believe it? My apple pie won AGAIN! Holy crap, people from all different walks of life decided my pie was their favorite pie! A bunch of people voted for other pies, too. But more voted for mine. That’s pretty fucking cool. And it got me thinking.

I decided, why not, I’m going for it. I entered my pie in a NATIONAL baking contest.

And do you know what happened?

All of a sudden, everyone looked at my city, state, and regional champion apple pie, and started asking each other if it was edible.

Um hi, clearly this pie is not only edible, it’s fucking outstanding, because you’re talking about it as a candidate in the NATIONAL FUCKING BAKING CONTEST, ya dorks.

Yet dozens of pie experts stood back from the pie, looked at it, and said, “Sure, I love apple pie, and that one has almost everything I want in a pie. I love that crisp flaky crust and spicy-sweet filling. I’m not a huge fan of the crumbly, buttery streusel topping, but I can handle it. More importantly, though, I’m guessing Rick from Texas prefers pecan pie, so I think I’ll vote for that one instead.”

Meanwhile Rick from Texas doesn’t even LIKE pie - he’s a maple bacon cronut man (#chaoticneutral) and he never considered participating in the national pie vote.

So what the fuck is happening here?

You’re prioritizing an imaginary person’s imaginary preference above your own actual desires?

THAT IS NOT THE WAY TO PICK A PIE.

The only way to know if that apple pie can win is to VOTE FOR IT if you think it looks goddamn delicious.

The End

PS I have never baked an apple pie in my life.

And the moral of the story is:

Shut up about electability.

You’re probably not a pundit with access to accurate electoral projections and/or Doctor Strange with access to a portal to the literal future.

You’re probably just biased, but calling yourself scared.

You’re either biased about a candidate that you don’t think is electable based on sex, race (whoops, too late), or sexual orientation; OR you’re biased about the people in other states whom you imagine aren’t aware of their deep-seated biases.

Vote for the person whose values align with your own. Vote for the person who describes an America that most closely resembles the one you dream about.

Do not vote for the person you thought REALLY HARD about tolerating, while imagining Rick in Texas and shaking the Magic 8 Ball in your mom’s basement until it said “Signs point to yes.”

Do not vote for Rick’s pie. He might LOVE apple pie. Or he might be a cronut man. You don’t even know. Let Rick do his vote. You do yours.

Finally, to paraphrase Mary Oliver, who asked us what we will do with our one wild and precious life, I am asking you, what will you do with your one powerful and precious vote?

Hi! Send me a virtual high five through Paypal or Patreon!

Or, you know, send one to the blog you think Rick from Texas might like, 2020-style.