We went to see Santa last night and waited in line for an hour. The good news? My kids didn’t get bored. The bad news? These are the games my children played for that hour.

1. How close can I come to kicking the stranger ahead of me without actually kicking that stranger?

Rules: Swing your leg around with an innocent smile on your face & cold focus in your eyes. Get progressively closer to kicking the ankle of the stranger in front of you with your lug-soled lumberjack boot. When Mom or Dad tells you to stop, say “Stop what? I’m just dancing because Christmas is so magical in my heart.”

Winner: Gets within a single decimeter of the stranger’s ankle.

Bonus: +50 if you can get the oblivious stranger to smile at your angelic face and roll their eyes at your grumpy parents. HOHOHO FOOL you don’t even KNOW whose team you’re on now.

2. “Acro-yoga” but with the retractable seat-belt line partition things.

Rules: Practice your acro-yoga with the retractable seat-belt line partition thing.

Winner: Performs the most magnificent slow-motion descent to the floor and then hits brother in the face with the hard plastic nib at the end of the seat-belt line partition thing.

Bonus: +20 if you laugh and asks if he wants to go to the butt store to get a band-aid for his face.

3. “Strangle” but with the retractable seat-belt line partition things.

Rules: Wrap retractable seat-belt line partition thing around your neck or the neck of a nearby friend.

Winner: Remains conscious.

Bonus: +5 if you make choking noises loud enough to attract the attention of an elf.

4. “If You Can Hear Me Pretend To Vomit, LOOK AT ME. Then Look At My Mom.”

Rules: Pretend to vomit. Really explore the space. Try the coughing vomit sound, the horking vomit sound, the whooping vomit sound, the slow-motion spit. Get progressively louder until people start to stare, first at you, then at your mom, whose eyes are closed for some reason.

Winner: Gets a stranger to dry-heave.

Bonus: +15 if you hear a Grandma type loudly praise her little angel for NOT doing the thing you’re doing.

Grandma: Oh, Gisette, what a GOOD little girl you’re being! Thank you for NOT making gross upsetting noises in public!

Mom: (smiles with empty eyes at Grandma)

5. Count the Christmas Lights on the Fake Tree Wall and Then Rip Handfuls of Fake Tree Out of the Wall.

Rules: Count the Christmas lights on the tree to lull your parents into a false calm. “They’re counting,” Mom and Dad will think. “It’s educational AND festive!”

Winner: Yanks the most handfuls of fake Christmas tree out of the wall, revealing the sad, sad abandoned Orange Julius order counter behind.

Bonus: +50 if you manage to scream, “NOOOOOO THE TREES ARE DEAD IT’S ALL AN ILLUSION!” before Mom claps a hand over your mouth.

6. “Hit” but with the retractable seat-belt line partition thing.

Rules: Pretty self-explanatory. It’s like, “What are the rules of tag.” Well, ya tag.

Winner: Hits the most.

Bonus: +100 if you hit a baby and then start crying louder than the baby.

7. Tag Dad’s Nuts

Rules: Try to nail dad right in the goods as many times as you can -- but this is the tricky part -- without ever appearing to INTEND to gonk dad’s dong pillow. Like, “Whoops, I was just trying to fist-bump that thing. No, not that thing. The thing behind your butt.” Or, “But I have to practice my elbow-strikes if I want to make the hip-hop team.” Or, “What, am I supposed to NOT toss my hair? Maybe your yam bag should’ve hung out in a spot where I’m not being goddamn fabulous.”

Winner: Tags Dad’s nuts the most.

Bonus: +25 if you see tears sparkle in his eyes.

+50 if you hear this conversation:

Mom: Are you okay?
Dad: No.
Mom: Well, we’re almost there. Try not to shut down.
Dad: I am shut down.

8. Wander

Rules: Wander.

Winner: Vanishes without a trace.

Bonus: +40 if security knows your name when they find you.

+60 if Mom and Dad aren’t even mad.

+100 if they cry.

9. Announce That This Isn’t The Real Santa

Rules: Declare, with certainty, that “THIS IS NOT THE REAL SANTA.”

Winner: Plants the seed of doubt and initiates the death of wonder in the most preschoolers.

Bonus: +5 per child who looks up at their grown up and says, “Is this the real Santa, Papa?”

+10 per child who cries, having just realized that Papa lies.

10. Sprint to the Discarded Food Container

Rules: Locate discarded food or beverage container. Put your mouth on it.

Winner: Licks the most garbage in a one-hour period.

Bonus: + 50 if you get pink eye

+250 if you get diarrhea

+600 if you remain healthy and thus confirm that Mom and Dad don’t know what they’re talking about when they say “Licking strangers’ discarded food will make you sick.” Lick many, many more things.

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And if you’re standing in line for Santa right now: