It sounds like we have some questions about where we are in terms of Aziz Ansari behaving abominably, Grace's role in what happened, how this event relates to the broader #metoo movement.

is he nice?

or evil?

and who am i?

and what is earth?

and where are we?

and who's in charge?

and why isn't anything easy?

and where are the muffins?

Welcome to FAQ.

These are a few of the most common questions I've seen, collected from comments on Twitter, Facebook, my own blog, and other response pieces.

These answers are mostly sincere and just a little smartassed.

Why aren't you writing "Grace" in quotes?

Because this is my blog, not the Washington Post. And it's fucking annoying to add quotes around a name that I'm going to be writing a thousand times in this post.

You know who I'm talking about when I say Grace-no-quotes, right?

You're not at the end of the blog post like, woah, I thought you were talking about Princess Grace of Monaco, right?

huh

i had no idea

that she preferred red wine

with her lobster rolls

OK, so. Moving on.

Speaking of all that extra detail about how he ordered red wine even though she likes white, and leaving the table in a hurry... doesn't it seem like Grace was working really hard to make sure we all thought Ansari was a jerk?

You spotted that, too?

I'm going to ask you to draw a firm line between Grace the person and Grace's story in babe.net. It's easy for us to conflate the two, but it's really, really important that we not confuse the story with its telling.

Frankly, the reporting on babe.net was inexcusably sloppy. But don't take my word for it. Just ask Julianne Escobedo Shepherd at Jezebel, who identified the article as amateurish and botched in her piece, "Babe, What Are You Doing?"

...

from jezebel

The babe article is written very, very badly. And I'm not just talking about personal style. I'm talking about how it treats the subject matter as salacious gossip, while in the same breath identifying what happened as a serious crime. If you're writing an article about an assault, you don't include every breathless, humiliating detail.

This article has the sensational click-power of a sex tape, 

but is also asking us to take it seriously

as fact-based documentation

of sexual violence or misconduct. 

Of course we're having a hard time believing that it's reporting. It doesn't look like reporting. It looks like gossip.

Grace has every right to tell her story, and it's a goddamn shame that babe.net fucked her over so badly with this crappy article. I think that Babe.net sold Grace for clicks. It's also important to know that it's extremely unlikely that Grace had any input or oversight on the writing of this article. Her only chance to shape this narrative was likely in the way she told her story to the reporter who interviewed her, and when she's recounting a night that she describes as the worst of her life, it's not surprising that she might ramble or dwell on insignificant details (cough cough red or white).

Sure, he acted like a pig. But was it really ASSAULT?

So imagine you leave your garage door open, and you see your neighbor across the street. You wave, he comes over, you chat in your driveway for a minute.

You go back inside. Later, you come out to find your lawnmower is gone.

After you call around a little, you discover that your neighbor took your lawnmower out of your garage.

Now, you call this a theft.

Hey, you took my mower.

bro

not cool

Your neighbor says, woah, nuh uh, I was just borrowing it.

You invited me over. You left your garage door open. The mower was right there. We live across the street from each other. I assumed you wouldn't mind if I borrowed your mower.

Both you and your neighbor agree that he took the mower without asking. Both you and your neighbor probably agree that he should've asked. But at the time, he decided not to ask and just took what he wanted.

Is that a theft? Or is that just a shitty neighbor?

If everyone in the neighborhood was like, "Calm down, he didn't steal it. That's not a theft," would that change your feeling that he did steal it? It's your garage. It's your mower. You're the one who came out to find it missing, only to discover that someone you thought you could trust stole it.

When the facts aren't in question, 

the only thing left to divide people

is how much they care about other people.

And that's a hard fight to win.

Now consider this. Which is the more effective conversation for the community to have:

a) Did he steal that mower or just borrow it?

b) What can we all do to make sure that people don't confuse open garage doors with free garage sales?

mic drop

Couldn't Grace have avoided this whole thing by not going to his apartment? Why do women do this to themselves? Good women keep their legs together or they get what they are asking for.*

Hi Doris! Thanks for chiming in.

Edited: I wrote this section to call out a specific kind of comment that was made by many women in their 60's, 70's, and 80's who called themselves feminists and then suggested that Grace, and often by extension all young women, are asking to be assaulted by engaging in sex with young men. It felt like an important element to include in the FAQ. However, a reader brought to my attention that some of the jokes I made in this section were just as mean-spirited and ageist as the original comments by these women (there was a whole thing with an avocado). 

I usually leave up content that I've learned is offensive, as a way to not be shady and hold myself accountable and also so people can learn from my mistakes. But this section was just mean joke after mean joke, and especially after reading Katie Way's email to Ashleigh Banfield, where Way (22 years old, as we learn in the email, and the writer of the original Babe.net piece) is so cruel, snide, and unprofessional to the older TV commentator, I was very uncomfortable with how similar her reprehensible message was to the "jokes" I cracked here. So I am removing the jokes but leaving the gif and the meat of the answer to the question.

And to answer your question, yes, she could have avoided this situation by not going to his apartment.

She could also avoid food poisoning if she never ate, but that's not how humans work. We have appetites: for food, for sex, for human connection.

Why is your solution that women should starve?

*This is a real quote, though names have been changed to protect the irritating.

Did Grace really say no though?

There are lots of places where I'll agree to disagree with you, but this isn't one of them.

She said no. Yes, she did.

And to me, the telling detail here is in the fact that he pulled her hand to his dick 5 to 7 times throughout the encounter.

Why would he have to pull her hand to his dick more than once, if she was into his dick?

Did he think she didn't know where his junk was located? Was he giving her a weiner tour? "And right here between my legs, you'll find MY BEST FAVORITE THING. Yep, right here. Nope, not on the counter, here between my legs. Nope, silly girl, not in your lap, right here."

Did he think she forgot about it? DID WE JUST CRACK GRACE'S SECRET IDENTITY???

huh

so grace

isn't

white

Did he stop to consider the fact that she was removing her hand on purpose?

People know where junk is located. If you offer it, and they take it, that's an enthusiastic yes.

If you offer it, and they touch it for long enough to not piss you off and then find something else to do with that hand, that's a no.

"But she touched it!"

But did she keep touching it?

No.

Mumbling no is a no.

Pulling away is a no.

Saying "next time" is a no.

Literally anything less than "OMG YES!" is a no.

And if at any point in the hookup you notice that you're repeatedly pulling their limp or resistant hand to your junk, or they say "You guys are all the same," which has never not once not ever meant "You guys are all the same and you're a goddamn stallion," then you're hearing a no. That's allllll a no.

If you didn't know before, you know now. Do better.

But shouldn't she have just said a "NO" no? Like the way I would have said it if I'd been there?

Oh you mean like this?

nope

too small

OK, so maybe like this?

mmmmm

guys get boner face blindness

so they won't be able to see any of that really

do it better

Um ok... sooo.... 

yikes

calm down

that literally looks insane

that no is like

way too big

for one little hand in your mouth

eight to twelve times

I mean, I guess in a perfect world, Grace would have blown a whistle, popped a flare, and started screaming "STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP" the second that something happened that she didn't want.

But the world ain't perfect, people don't abandon a lifetime of habits, instincts, and conditioning to be pleasing as soon as you decide that it would please you if they could stop pleasing other people, and there are no magic words.

No matter what women do in compromising situations, there's always something more she should have done, says The Internet on The Day After.

If she'd said no six times and he'd persisted, you could ask why she didn't say no louder.

If she said no loudly and he kept going, you could ask why she didn't scream no and hit him.

If she screamed no and hit him and he held her down, you could ask why she didn't kick him in the balls and call 9-1-1.

If she kicked him in the balls and called 9-1-1 and he curled in a ball and cried, you could ask why  this damaged girl freaked out so hard. #girlsarecrazyiguess

She could have just said no.

Are guys actually capable of understanding nonverbal cues though?

Let's find out!

Guys, look at the girl in this gif and tell me what you see:

If you answered, "She wants it hot, wet, and in her mouth," then I can only assume you're referring to her coffee because unless you have a disability or difference that prevents you from reading social cues (and Ansari does not), YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE THAT THIS WOMAN IS UNCOMFORTABLE.

Follow-up question:

What if she were naked, with that same facial expression and body language? Would you be like BOI-YOI-YOI-YOING, this girl wants my dong! Hope not.

Follow-up question part 2:

What if she were in your apartment, removing your fingers from her mouth and saying "Slow down"?

Would you interpret that as, "Oh, okay, she wants to blow me now." Please say no.

Of course guys are capable of understanding when someone is uncomfortable.

OF COURSE YOU ARE. I refuse to accept that men are that stupid. I know too many good, smart guys to let the narrative become, "Once we reach a certain level of arousal all we can see is holes in your body."

I cannot even hear the argument of "But men are so dumb they just don't understand" anymore. It's insulting to men to assume they're incompetent, and it places sole responsibility for anything that happens on the other person in the room.

If you are reading this, you know what uncomfortable people look like. Don't fuck uncomfortable people. Don't pre-fuck uncomfortable people. Leave uncomfortable people alone.

Do you have a podcast episode about some of this?

Yes. It is insightful and funny and full of swears and has a great story about Dave the Period Fairy.

listen to it

So does she have any agency here? I thought women were powerful equals, but it seems like we're all agreeing that she was a poor helpless victim. So which is it?

So this question seems to boil down to confusion that women can feel empowered in one sphere, and vulnerable in another.

You're saying, women are so strong and smart and equal to men at work... but in sex women routinely go quiet while in a state of extreme fear or equivocation. What gives?

So real quick, just gonna outline why, for most of us, work is different from sex.

So for most of us, we're not naked at work. Ha ha ha, but seriously folks. Clothing does more than protect our skin from prickly shit; it protects our most vulnerable parts from harm. There is a reason that physicians and nurses aren't supposed to discuss medications or ask you questions about your medical history while you're undressed.

Also, for most of us, being penetrated (or the possibility of being penetrated) is not part of our work. Ha ha, I know, but seriously folks. If you've never taken a D, you do not understand the unique vulnerability of literally allowing another person to enter your body.

Also, for most of us, if we embarrass or displease or shut down a coworker, he isn't in a state of arousal. On top of us. At work. HA. HA. I KNOW. BUT. SERIOUSLY. FOLKS.

Also, for most of us, we don't work in spheres where we understand that the danger of being hurt by your "work partner."

If half of all murdered women died at the hands of a co-worker, I promise you Sheryl Sandberg's book would be called, "Be Nice and Live," not "Lean In."

*** Edited to add! I just thought of this! Women have professional role models! We see women excelling at work. We see professional women on TV and in the world. We're friends with them. We're related to them. We are them.

But when was the last time you saw a woman in a position of power in a sex act with a man? We don't see a lot of empowered lady sex role models. That does make it harder for us to imagine what strength in sex would look like, or that it is even possible for a woman to exercise agency in this sphere. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. I still like you. xoxo

Why didn't she just leave?

Sweet Baby Christ in Pampers, is GRACE STILL IN AZIZ ANSARI'S APARTMENT?!?!?!

I'm obviously being an assole, but I'm being an asshole to remind you that

she

did

leave.

Thanks to the sloppy reporting at babe, we have no idea how long this encounter really lasted. But she did leave.

You're asking why didn't she leave earlier.

The answer is that she didn't go out on this date so that she could feel humiliated and find out that Ansari was a dick.

She went out on this date to have a good time. She wanted to connect with him. She wanted to enjoy herself.

And the first time you make out with someone, there are always little course corrections that have to happen, for both parties. So okay, he starts moving faster than she wants, and she says "Woah slow down," and then he doesn't really slow down. She starts to think, "Is this pace actually BAD or is it just different from what I'm used to? I'm not comfortable but maybe I could get comfortable. I already asked him to slow down. Maybe this is okay?"

A few minutes later: "Nope, don't like this. Don't like this at all." But now she's been there long enough that she feels like she might really owe it to both of them to give it another try.

And so on. And so on. She said "No," to him, and when he tried to bypass that no she said, "Maybe" to herself, until she couldn't say maybe anymore and then she left.

So okay, can we go bigger than this question, and call it what it is: "Why didn't she do what I did, or what I imagine I would do in the Die Hard version of my own life?"

I have a truth bomb for you.

You will never fully understand why other people do the things they do or when or how they do them. You aren't her. You weren't there. You will never, ever understand. Neither will I.

Somehow we have to find a way to believe they both Ansari and Grace are fully human, and therefore deserving of your empathy, and at the same time completely unknowable.

Why did she have to publicly call him out like this? God, it feels so humiliating and unnecessary.

I don't know.

Maybe she was furious to see him accepting a Golden Globe with a Time's Up pin.

Maybe she thought her story would spark an important conversation about consent and socialized sexual indifference to women's dignity.

I took a memoir workshop a couple of years ago and by far the hardest thing for the women writers to overcome was the sense that they didn't have the right to tell stories about things that had happened to them. The guys had no problem telling their stories. The women had to be told, explicitly, that their stories belong to them, and they get to tell them the way they want to.

So that's not how I would tell my story. But it's how Grace told her story, and that story belongs to her.

THAT BEING SAID. I doubt very much if Babe.net told Grace's story the way she wanted it told. This is pure conjecture. I have no evidence to support my opinion on this matter. I just know that if I'd had to read a million people making fun of me for wanting red wine with lobster, I'd be pretty pissed that the "journalist" who "interviewed" me didn't do a better job of telling my story without including insignificant details that arm skeptics who were never, ever going to believe me anyway.

Babe.net is on my shit list.

Why does she get to call him out and stay anonymous?

Because historically women who report acts of sexual assault (Shhhhh yes I know not everyone agrees that this was an assault, but Grace and Babe.net believe it was and therefore treated it as such) are given anonymity to keep them from being harassed. That's just how it works.

Are you worried it's fake because she didn't give her name to the public? I'm not sure where the complaint is on this one.

Are you feeling sorry for Ansari? Okay. Have empathy for him. He's surely had an abominable few days.

But if you're going to have empathy for him, you have to have empathy for her, too. She had a shitty few days, too. Actually, she had way more shitty days than he did. It's not a competition, but if it were she would definitely be winning the "Who's Had More Shitty Days" competition, the prize for which is a drooling, poorly-written viral expose of your sex life! Wheeeee!

I am mad at Aziz Ansari for being a pushy sex partner. Am I Islamophobic?

Stop reading The Craplantic.

That piece suggested that the allegations against Ansari are rooted in white liberal girls wanting to go after brown people. And while some white liberal girls ABSOLUTELY go after brown people, that's not what we're talking about here. Ansari did something shitty and anger is a reasonable response.

Some examples of NOT-reasonable responses include:

a) Slinging Islamophobic slurs at Ansari. (Don't ever do this.)

b) Assuming that a single person's actions on one night represent all Indian men or all Muslims. (That's bigoted)

c) Assuming that a single person represents all Indian men or Muslims, NOT WANTING to paint all Indian men or Muslims with the same brush, and therefore deciding to excuse otherwise inexcusable behavior that has nothing to do with his ethnicity or faith in order to prove that you're not Islamophobic. (That's annoying, tokenizing, counterproductive, actually just as bigoted as the second thing because you still think one person represents an entire population.)

Is #metoo hurt by accusations like these? IS #METOO OVER??? DID GRACE JUST KILL #METOO?!?!?!

ALRIGHT EVERYONE JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

Pretend we're making brunch here, okay? We invited everyone from the neighborhood-- close friends, total strangers, everyone who wants to come is invited.

And what just happened is, someone brought a quiche that half the group thinks is undercooked, and the other half thinks is a perfectly fine texture for a quiche, except for a couple of people who think this is the BEST texture for a quiche.

ARE WE CANCELING BRUNCH AND BURNING DOWN THE BUILDING?

No. We're staying at brunch. It's BRUNCH TIME. It's actually a little PAST brunch time if you ask me, but what's done is done.

We're sticking around and we're talking about quiche.

We're learning about other people's quiche preferences and mores. We're listening to each other about quiche.

And if you don't want to eat it, don't. Scoop up the fucking fruit salad and get a slab of french toast casserole, OK? Jeez. There is SO MUCH FOOD TO EAT AT THIS BRUNCH, seriously. Have you ever been to a brunch where you wanted to eat everything? And have you ever been a part of a culture shift where you agreed with every single person who wanted on board?

What did you think was going to happen when women started telling the truth about all the parts of their lives that are unpleasant or humiliating, but not illegal? Did you think you were going to agree with everybody about what constitutes assault, or how best to win male allies? Did you think you were going to agree with me all the time? Of course not. Of course not.

Do you think that tomorrow Reese Witherspoon is going to call a press conference being like, "Time's Up's time... is up. It's over. Because of Grace."

The expectation that we have to conform to a single voice at all times or call ourselves a failure is stupid and stinky. So our choice is "Never disagree" or "Quit trying?" False. Stupid stinky choice? Rejected.

For fuck's sake, if you didn't hear me the first 8,000 times, THIS IS COMPLICATED. Stop making this an all-or-nothing affair, or canceling brunch because you disagree about the optimal texture of quiche.

Grow up. Calm down. Pay attention. Listen. Move forward.

#MeToo is not about placing additional restrictions on how and when women can talk about their lives. #MeToo is about giving women space and time to speak.

And #MeToo exists. It is greater than one person, one badly-executed article or one accusation that asks us to look closely at our social norms and discover that we disagree with a lot of people that we thought were #100 with us. That doesn't mean that person is your enemy now. It just means you know your friend better.

Would you stop hanging out with your friend if you found out he liked jiggly quiche? Please say no.

My best friend and I disagree on whether Grace is bad or Ansari is bad. Are we not friends anymore?

Well that depends.

Does someone always have to be bad, and do you always have to completely agree with your friends?

If so, then yeah, sounds like you are four years old and so is your best friend, and you both need some fishy crackers and a nap before you take another swing at life and/or make any long-term decisions about your friendship.

If I think that the article on Babe was poorly written, or Grace's account seems overblown, or her classification of the hookup as an assault really doesn't sit well with me, do I lose my feminist card?

NO.

There is no Feminist High Council that decides who is and isn't a feminist. This conversation isn't about proving you allegiance to Big Sister, and who you're willing to murder to prove it.

We aren't picking teams for dodgeball; it's not as simple as picking a color for your jersey.

Our disagreements and qualms are a chance for us to have a conversation, not just with other people but with ourselves. These divergences reveal ideas worth exploring.

The feminism I practice encourages people to ask questions of themselves and each other. We can't grow if we don't crack our seeds, right?

I still don't know how I feel about this. 

Are you a smug bitch*?

Hi Chad! Thanks for chiming in.

You're goddamn right I am.

*real DM, not by anyone named Chad.

I badly need to read something light, short, and funny that has nothing to do with Aziz Ansari or sexual assault.

Here you go!