a letter to my family before the road trip

August 17, 2017 Katie Anthony

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standard kitchen experience

in my house

i like to think it makes the children

more grateful

and

nimble

Dear Family,

It's here! This weekend, we drive to Bend for the eclipse, spending 2 nights in Oregon before we return on Monday afternoon.

Who's excited?!?! It's gonna be so fun!!!!

And since it's just a quick drive to Bend, only about 5 hours, the logistics here shouldn't be too tough or complicated.

Below, please find a list of the things I would normally take care of, silently and independently, before we begin such an undertaking.

Please understand, as you look at the list of tasks and calculate what you can make time to do, that the making of this list is itself a major task that I accomplished, silently and independently.

I made the list instead of taking a shower, reading a book, and making a nutritious dinner today.

The making of the list constitutes at least 40% of the work described on that list. In order to make the list you have to rehearse, mentally, all of the physical actions that will have to be written down, organized coherently, and eventually executed.

You also have to check the pantry, fridge, laundry, car, garage, and closet.

You also have to Google a ton of shit.

Making the list is a fucking job.

Now, I live in the world and I know I’ll still be doing the lion’s share of this work –

QUICK SIDE RANT:

I’m sorry, but can we just talk about the inappropriateness of the expression “the LION’S share of the work?” Because I for one would fucking love to be able to do the lion’s share of the work for like one fucking day. I would fucking happily fight the odd male lion interloper if that meant I could snooze all day long on a sunny rock literally biting my spunky cubs in the FACE and throwing them off my neck without giving a damn whether they land on their feet, and then a little later eat a tasty treat that just arrived at my mouth without me having to work for it, and that I absolutely do not have to share.

How about we start calling it the fucking LIONESS’S share, amIright?? Because those bad bitches WORK. Lionesses get shit done.

END SIDE RANT

-- But so help my Lord of Bend, I will not doing this alone.

I expect every person in this family to chip in on this bad boy.

If this is a family trip, then the whole family is going to get ready for it.

Please feel free to initial (or make your mark, Buster) next to any items that you can be responsible for over the next 3 days.

(Quick note: If you're reading this blog post and you're a mother, then you honestly don't have to read any further. You know exactly what this fucking list says. If you're reading this and you're not a mother, you read every god damn word and then you go buy your lady some scotch, because this is the noise in her head all. day. long.)

THE LIST

Research hotel to find out:

-Check-in/check-out times

- If they have a pool

If they do have a pool do they have pool towels

If they have parking

Do we need to book in advance/is it included

If there is a fridge in the room

If there is room service/onsite dining

If there is nearby casual dining suited to our children

If so, do we need to make reservations

If so, make reservations

If not, make a list of places so you don’t have to start over on Google when you’ve got 2 hungry kids in the blazing sun at 12:30 pm on Sunday.

Research Bend:

Weather for the weekend

If there are any kid’s sights/activities near the hotel

A few restaurant options

Figure out what shelf-stable food we will need to pack as back-up food

PB&Js

What the fuck else is there??

Figure out what gas stations have a Subway attached

Plan the road trip:

Locate a few options of place to stop in Portland, and then midway between Portland and Bend

Parks

Lunch

Portland Children’s Museum, etc?

Is there a butterfly garden in the middle of Oregon

No?

OK.

I’ll take a McDonald’s Playplace. That's fine.

Figure out snacks for trip

Decide what to bring

Purchase chosen snacks

Package them for easy consumption in the car

Figure out drinks for trip

Decide what to bring

Purchase chosen drinks

Pack in cooler for trip

Figure out diversion for trip

Find some fun CDs

Think of some good road games

Research good audiobooks

Age-appropriate for kids

Yet interesting for grown-ups

Hold at library

Pick up from library

Make sure iPads are charged

Audiobooks downloaded for them

Decide if you’re going to download TV shows

Decide if you’re strong enough to not download TV shows

Decide if this is the time for the high road

Locate headphones for kids

Oh right, B broke his

Check Amazon Prime to see if you have enough time to get a new set of kid headphones before you leave

If so, order them.

If not, add that to the Target list.

Oh yeah, you’ll be going to Target at least 4 times in the next 3 days.

Pack activity books – kids

But why

Why

Seriously, just charge the iPads

Give the people what they want

Or you will rue the day

Plan route/return route

South then east, or east then south

Check road work on perspective routes

Figure out departure time

Then add one hour

Because.

Pack car bag

Figure out what we might need available in the car & pack it

iPad charging cables

Baby wipes

Paper towels

Trash bags

Chapstick

Water bottles

Sunglasses/Hats

Clean out the car

Trunk

Seats

Car seats

Yuck

I see B has been playing his favorite car game again

It’s called “Where can I stuff this cheese.”

Car wash

Haha

Good one

It’s sweet, really

The way you try.

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step into my office

House

Laundry

Wash

Dry

Fold

Put Away

Repeat.

Yard

Look around and clean it

Seriously, use your eyes, if there’s shit on the ground in the yard just pick it up and put it where it belongs.

Seriously.

It’s that easy.

See this content in the original post

i see like 9 things

seriously

Kitchen

Trash out

No dishes in sink

Clean out spoiled stuff from fridge

Basically I’m not trying to come home to a thriving fruit fly colony is what I’m saying.

That means put the bananas in the fridge.

Bedrooms

Vacuumed

Dressers cleaned off

Beds made

But who are we kidding

This whole subcategory is hilarious

We won’t have time to clean our bedrooms

Or bathrooms

Pack Kids

Clothes

Swimsuits

Clothes

PJs

Shoes

Figure out rough itinerary so you can bring the right shoes for it

That means before you can pack shoes you have to do all of the scheduling and research

Gear

Binkies

Water floaties

Backpacks

Water bottles

Loveys

Diapers

And night diapers

And swim diapers

You might have to go shopping to buy more of these things

Check early in the week so you can consolidate trips to the store.

If it’s already too late to consolidate trips to the store and you have to make an extra trip to Target, check the pantry before you go because you probably need more fig bars.

And fruit snacks.

See this content in the original post

and bananas

(photo courtesy of chicken

who was allowed to take pics on my phone

at target today

so he wouldn't bleat like a coked-up sheep

baaaaaaa

at everyone we passed in the store

while i bought diapers

for the fucking trip to bend

THIS BLOG IS REAL YOU GUYS)

Wipes

Trash bags

Pool/beach towels?

Again, this will depend on whether the hotel has towels you can use.

Toiletries

Toothbrush

Toothpaste

Notice 2 identical tubes of toothpaste except one has fluoride and one doesn’t.

Learn about fluoride in kids’ toothpaste

Pack the one with fluoride

Throw away the one that looks almost exactly the same that doesn’t have fluoride.

Shower stuff?

Or does it even matter?

Who gets to decide what matters?

If anything really does?

Pack Myself

Clothes

What’s clean

Yeah, sure, that’s fine.

Gear

Book

Oh honey.

Laptop

Notebook

Cell charger

Headphones

Toiletries

Glasses

Contact stuff

Extra contacts

Scotch

Yep

Now we’re talking

Thank you for your cooperation. I can't wait to spend the weekend on an adventure with you, my favorite people in the world, the only pride I'd want to hunt for, and the only cubs I'd let chew on my neck.

Next time someone else is making the list.

Love,

Katie

/Mom

/Wife

/Lioness

PS - Oh shit I forgot the eclipse glasses.