Do you have a preschooler who fights sleep with all his might?

rock-a-bye

this

motherfuckers

Is he or she finally falling asleep at 10:30 pm, yet still rising at the regular wake-up time?

Is he or she acting like a depraved psychotic demon from hell because he or she is so fucking tired?

Don't worry!

I have a simple seven-step plan to get your child sleeping like the angel he or she used to be, in only ONE NIGHT!

And if that plan doesn't work?

DON'T WORRY!

I've got Plan B locked, loaded, and ready to tranq-dart your little sweetie-pie face-down into the dirt/dreamland on night 2.

And if that plan doesn't work?

DO I LOOK WORRIED?

Hell no! Because I've got PLAN C waiting in the wings, and Plan C is just like our country, young, scrappy, and hungry, and is not throwing away its shot to neutralize your child's late-night nutties on night 3!

And if THAT plan doesn't work?

BABY GIRL REST YOUR HEAD. I GOT YOU.

You know why?

- Because we are smart, strong, and we stick together.

- Because we can solve any problem.

- And because out of sheer necessity and my all-too-human need to feel in control of shit that I absolutely cannot control, I have exactly the same number of bedtime plans as I do nights left of my life.

SO! Who's ready to get some SLEEP?

Or at least, who's ready to get their kids down by 8, 8:30, so they can binge-watch Netflix while matching socks and drinking, like, possibly a little too much wine for a weeknight but it's fine just pretend you're Spanish.

#ViveElSue

ño

PLAN A:

1. Begin by drawing a warm bath with soothing essential oils.

2. Turn on the sounds of swinging in a hammock under a warm blanket by the ocean.

3. Hum "You Are My Sunshine" as you slip buttery-soft pajamas over the silken skin of your fresh, clean, yawning child.

4. Read 3 stories in the velvety voice of an NPR host.

5. Lay the child in his bed and draw up the covers.

6. Give him three kisses on his forehead and whisper in his ear that you love him to the moon and back.

7. Lights out.

PLAN B: 

1. Begin by drawing a warm bath with... "CHICKEN? WHERE ARE THE OILS? DID YOU TAKE THE OILS?"

2. Turn on the sounds of swinging in a hammock under a warm blanket by the ocean. Turn it on LOUDER.

3. Take deep breaths as you jam your child's octopus arms into pajama sleeves.

4. Read 3 stories in the velvety voice of an NPR host on meth.

5. Drop the child in bed and pull up the covers.

6. Give him three kisses on his forehead and whisper in his ear that it's time to sleep now, so stay in bed, I'm not fucking around, stay in bed, seriously.

7. Lights out.

PLAN C:

1. Begin by drawing a warm bath with dish soap.

2. Turn on the sounds of swinging in a hammock under a warm blanket by the ocean, so loudly that your child's mouth is just moving to the sound of waves and creaking.

3. "THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO PICK YOUR PAJAMAS. I AM COUNTING TO 3 AND THEN I AM PICKING YOUR PAJAMAS. 1. 2. 3. OKAY. I AM PICKING YOUR PAJAMAS."

3b. "I could not have been more clear about the window you had to pick your pajamas."

3c. "If you wanted fire truck jams you should have picked them when I told you it was your chance to pick. Now you're wearing dino jams and if you want fire truck jams so badly you can pick them tomorrow night when it's time to pick. Because if I don't draw the line here, then where? Where, child? WHERE?"

4. Over the sounds of your child screaming "FIRE TRUCK JAMS," read 3 stories in the velvety, yet not-quite-hidden-rage voice of an NPR host interviewing Paul Ryan.

5. Point to the bed. Point to the covers. Oh, come on. You're not a monster. The child has hands, for God's sake.

6. Give him three kisses on his forehead and whisper in his ear that you heard scraping and growling sounds under the bed earlier and you pray you'll see him in the morning.

7. Lights out.

PLAN D:

1. Begin by drawing a warm bath. Drop a washcloth in the bath and then use that washcloth to wipe the face, hands, feet, and butt of your child while he stands naked on a towel. This was his request. You are raising the next generation of hobos.

2. Turn on the sounds of swinging in a hammock under a warm blanket by the ocean and realize for the first time that it sounds a LOT like a human woman who is literally at the end of her rope. She sounds so peaceful, now.

3. "THAT'S IT, NO PAJAMAS TONIGHT. NOPE. PAJAMA DRAWER IS CLOSED. WELL THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE PICKED PAJAMAS LIKE I TOLD YOU TO DO."

4. Call to your partner in an eerily calm voice and say, "I am hollow. The light that once shone inside me has gone out and I am a cold, dark, empty shell of a person. It is your turn to read the books."

5. Leave the room, pour a scotch, and assume that your partner has put the child in bed.

6. Stare into the mirror at a face you no longer recognize and believe that your partner has both kissed and whisper-threatened your child to stay in bed.

7. Lights out.

PLAN E:

1. Invite your parents to come visit. When they ask what they can bring, ask them to bring over pizza for dinner.

2. When they arrive, lock all the doors behind them and then say, "Wait, I forgot the salad in the car! I'll go grab it."

3. Go out (DON'T forget to lock the door behind you again), put the Subaru in neutral and push it down to the end of the driveway. Grab the duffel you packed and stowed in the bushes at naptime today, then get in the driver's side and wait with your hand on the key.

4. Wait for your partner to crawl out through the bathroom window, dash to the end of the driveway in evasive swerving maneuvers, and tuck and roll into the passenger seat while you pound the steering wheel shouting "GO GO GO!"

5. Turn your cell phones off.

6. Return at midnight. Apologize to your parents and offer to host Thanksgiving in recompense. Assume that because the kids are both alive and asleep, they must have done fine. Text your partner's parents and ask them if they want to visit tomorrow.

7. Lights out.

aw

awwwww

awwwwwwwwwwwwwww

i love them so much

when they're sleeping

One for real recommendation though:

Get this audiobook.

This thing

is

AWESOME.

I can't even describe...

it's like

Manchurian Candidate

meets

Good Night Moon.

You're welcome.

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xoxo