WE JUST MOVED.

Want to know how it's going?

On a scale from "Standard Shitstorm" to "Category 5 Shitnado," we're hovering right around "Shitquake of the Century."

No, it's not because we have to learn a new grocery store.

It's because of our fundamental personalities. 

Don't believe me?

FAMILY ROSTER:

THE MOVING EDITION

(Do me a favor and pretend that the soundtrack to this whole post is the rapid-fire beeping sound you hear when you watch the name of a city spelled out on the screen of a Bourne movie.)

KATIE

Age: 32.75

Role in Family:

Mother

Blogger

Jumpsuit Savant

Immediate Response to Impending Move:

Mind snaps into lockdown mode.

She bolts to the nearest writing instrument and begins making lists, charts, tabulating priorities, booking appointments with mental health professionals, and ordering the required supplies on Amazon.

Moving Day Patronus:

Hippogriff

did someone order a triple shot of goddamn majesty?

With the head of an eagle, she soars high above the fray, seeing all, and constantly in motion.

With the ass of a giant horse, she drags a ton of shit around.

Emotional Stability Celebrity Doppelganger:

Jennifer Garner

this is a human bouquet of daisies, in an elegant, unfussy milk-glass vase

She seems nice, cheerful, capable, and organized. But you just know that rainbow-covered planner is full of pages that look like the kid's drawing from the Ring, scribbled so hard you can still see the dents on December.

Also, she’s always locking herself in the bathroom to eat a whole baguette while she poops. #Multitasking

Top 3 Needs That Must be Met in Order to Ensure Function Under Stress

1. Cake

2. Booze

3. 1 Hour of Solitary Silence Per Day 

Post-Move Breaking Point:

Day 5.

When she realized that the dinner plates are ¼” too tall for the new dishwasher and she either had to buy new dinner plates or hand-wash dinner plates from now on.

IT SEEMS LIKE NOT A BIG DEAL BUT it’s just one more fucking thing that I didn’t have to fix before but now I have to fix. Excuse me I have to go to the bakery and then poop.

RYAN

Age: 34.5

Role in Family

Father

Earner

Is-The-Milk-Still-Good-Checker

Immediate Response to Impending Move:

Excitement for new possibilities! Begins to research hobbies and attractive locales convenient to new spot! 

Texts people we know nearby! Sure, he might feel uncomfortable with change, but that tiny seed of discomfort with newness is buried beneath an avalanche of curiosity, eagerness, and novelty...

FOR AWHILE.

Until that seed sprouts. Usually the week before the move, as he surveys the sheer magnitude of our crap we have to pack.  He spends that week in solitary reflection on how his life choices have led him to this place of despair.

Also, upset tummy.

Moving Day Patronus:

Saint Bernard

- Weight-bearing frame

- Dogged (lol) yet joyless determination to get the job done 

- Packs the booze

- Sad eyes

- Musty odor

Emotional Stability Celebrity Doppelganger:

Jon Hamm

Funny, smart, confident, charms the room, has a coolness and magnetism that seems to transcend mere mortals.

Yet, ask the wrong question and you’ll find yourself plunging into eternal blackness. Just beneath the trim suits lies a stylish wasteland of mid-century despair.

Jesus, Ryan.

No but he can bring it back though!

Top 3 Needs That Must be Met in Order to Ensure Function Under Stress:

1. Sleep

2. Poop

3. Something to call a win

Post-Move Breaking Point:

Day 6.

When it became clear that Chicken and Buster would not be achieving sleep at anywhere near their expected age level. We are talking we put them in bed at 7:30 pm and they finally fall asleep at 10:30 pm, people. We are talking thrice-nightly nightmare wakings. Anyone would break.

CHICKEN

Age: 4.75

Role in Family:

Son

Big Brother

Chief Inquisitor of How TV Screens Work

Immediate Response to Impending Move:

Outside:

Inside:

Look at the pictures on Mommy's phone of the big new yard and the nice big play room! 

This is going to be so fun!

DO NOT THROW ANYTHING AWAY 

NOT EVEN APPLE CORES 

WE HAVE TO KEEP THE APPLE CORES

Can we get a swing set for the yard?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING

ARE YOU EVER COMING BACK

Can't wait to go fishing on the weekends with Daddy!

WILL I STILL BREATHE AIR THERE

OR ARE WE GROWING GILLS

WILL I HAVE TO PHOTOSYNTHESIZE

OR ARE YOU GOING TO STILL BUY KIND BARS

Yeah, Mom?

Having a little trouble

falling asleep right now.

Moving Day Patronus:

Rabbit

Everything is fine 

everything is fine 

I just love hiding

but everything is fine

OH GOD WHAT IS THAT 

oh okay it was a leaf 

haha 

that was embarra—

THERE IT IS AGAIN

I KICK YOU

I KICK YOU

RUN MOTHERFUCKERS

Emotional Stability Celebrity Doppelganger:

Kanye West

Does not seem to be handling ANYTHING okay, EVER.

that's not a jpeg

that's a gif

And yet... is also kind of doing awesome??

awwwww

Or...?

wait

It just makes you look at his particular brand of “huh” and wonder, "So... are you screaming inside, or fucking with me right now?" 

And to go even deeper, his uniquely unsettling unpredictability makes you question your own relationship with reality, your ability to gauge the stability of others, and even your human instincts.

IS THIS THE WEATHER

OR A THREAT???

I DON'T EVEN KNOW

Top 3 Needs That Must be Met in Order to Ensure Function Under Stress

1. 13 Hours of Sleep

2. A Daily Schedule that DOES NOT CHANGE EVER

3. Boxer Briefs. Not Tighties.

Post-Move Breaking Point:

Day 2. When we ran out of granola.

chicken picked this gif

so again, I have to ask:

is this breakfast

or a threat?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW

NO

Honey Bunches of Oats is not "basically the same as granola."

It's totally different

just like everything in this new house.

Do we still brush our teeth here

and does the mac still have cheese

WHO AM I

WHAT IS THAT

I KICK YOU

I KICK YOU

RUN MOTHERFUCKERS

BUSTER

Age: 2.75

Role in Family:

Son

Little Brother

Leftenant Grabber of Things from the Counter

Immediate Response to Impending Move:

Probably best described as "surly denial" and/or "willful ignorance."

Us: We're moving in a week! Here's the countdown calendar! Every day you will cross off a day and get a special treat!

Chicken: GREAT! (Starts to tremble and rock in his seat)

Buster: (SIGH) I'm getting crackers.

(Walks into kitchen, grabs crackers from the counter, walks to the front door with crackers. Opens door.)

Unpacks just-packed boxes, allegedly "looking for something," but mostly just throws shit around until someone caves and brings him crackers and an iPad, which he receives without looking, and walks over to the pile of pillows in the corner and turns on Blaze and the Monster Machines.

Moving Day Patronus:

Old Male Lion

- Sleeps a lot

- Communicates in growls and nips

- Stomps around

- Eats everyone else's food

Emotional Stability Celebrity Doppelganger:

Alec Baldwin

Charming, powerful, primal, and often hilarious. 

Gives no fucks and owns every room he walks into with a twinkle in his eye... and an empty place in his chest where someday he may grow a moral center. 

When you shake his hand you realize... that this hand... could do murder.

And maybe... just maybe...

already has...

Top 3 Needs That Must be Met in Order to Ensure Function Under Stress

1. 13 Hours of Sleep

2. Pirate's Booty

3. Not to Be Moving

Breaking Point:

Day 10.

When he realized this whole "In the Car for 2 Hours a Day" thing wasn't a one-off.

Got a really sweaty itchy butt from wearing diapers in the car so much.

Started stomping from room to room, calling teenagery things over his shoulder like, "I'm so over this," and "Shut up, just shut up," and "AAAAH YOU GUYS ARE SO STUPID."

So just in case y'all were wondering what's going on with us lately...  that. That's what's going on. 

Love,

Ryan, Katie, Chicken, and Buster

PS - Here's our working Christmas card for next year! Thoughts?

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