Fuckin Frederick fucked up our shot at the last house with his premature recommendation.

I NOW PRESENT TO YOU...

OUR FAMILY VIDEO

(This DVD will be included with every basket of muffins that we leave at every open house moving forward.)

photo credit

betty crocker

obviously

Fade in. Sunny kitchen, neat as a pin, with fresh daisies in a vase under the window. 

Katie is wearing a sensible and shapeless housedress with a high neckline, and tidy ballet flats. She bends over, but not like a whore, and she pulls out a muffin tin from the oven. 

She turns to the camera.

Oh, hello! I didn't see you there. Welcome to my kitchen!

I was just taking these freshly-baked

:: pick the word that applies to your personal dietary preferences: gluten-free/dairy-free/whole-wheat/chock-full of gluten and dairy and white flour none of that sissy nonsense/whatever you like) ::

muffins out of the oven!

See, today's the day that I bake. Every week I bake on this day.

Baking day comes between laundry day and mending day, and after mending day comes prayer and power-washing day and then landscaping day and then awaiting your instructions day.

Don't you just love people who are predictable and orderly? I KNOW I DO!

And speaking of librarian-types who follow instructions and have a passion for leaving things better than they found them, let me introduce you to my family!

Starting with the most important person first.

Of course, I'm talking about the person who is most like you, potential future landlord/lady, so if you're a career woman I'll start with myself and make sure to emphasize the entrepreneurial way that I run both my household, my writing, and my community engagement responsibilities.

Conversely, if you are a man I will OBVIOUSLY begin with either my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ or my husband because men are so awesome and some of them are even the son of God. I'm so thankful for men, what WOULD I do without men???

(Spoken out loud answer: I can't IMAGINE! I'd be helpless, flibbertigibbet that I am! Certainly I'd be powerless to challenge the status quo! And for gosh sakes, why would I ever want to??)

(Inside my brain answer: Whatever the fuck I wanted.)

My husband, Ryan, is a professor of the Good Old Days at Nostalgia University and a financial advisor who always recommends the same things that you recommend when it comes to playing the markets. WHAT A COINCIDENCE!

His hobbies include paying taxes, getting permission before he paints, making a place for everything and putting everything in its place, and cleaning out drains and traps. Pet peeves include untidy recycling bins and slovenly raking.

Again, I'm Katie, hi, and I'm a stay-at-home mother, charitable volunteer, spiritual leader, and organic classically-trained baker who is always looking for tasters who have the exact same dietary restrictions and preferences that you do! WHAT A COINCIDENCE!

My hobbies include damage-free hanging, oven-cleaning, maintaining shoeless homes, and mowing the lawn. Pet peeves include noises, smells, stains, and dings.

And of course, these are our boys, Chicken and Buster.

Chicken writes poetry and has a rescue manatee that he sponsors with his earnings from teaching legal immigrants how to drive safely.

oh

and robotics

Buster is getting dual PhDs in magnetic architecture and sustainable farming.

dash it all

the transept lacks harmony

and the clerestory is derivative

at best

where's my binky

i need to thinky

He likes silent contemplation, and cleaning with vinegar and baking soda.

Their hobbies include washable markers, vacuuming, spot-treating, and avoiding puddles. Pet peeves include children, pets, smoking, and roommates.

As a family we have no political opinions, no messy hobbies, and vague religious beliefs - Diet Christianity, perhaps? - that give us a nice, stable, honest vibe, without straying over the line into judgey, creepy, cooking highly aromatic foods, or celebrating holidays you've never heard of.

We don't button our shirts all the way up or hold unblinking eye contact, is what I'm saying.

We're just folks, is what I'm saying.

WE ARE JUST LIKE YOU IS WHAT I'M SAYING.

So please, enjoy another muffin, and give us a call. We'll be waiting.

also we grew this asparagus

Love and blessings from your future tenants,

Ryan, Katie, Chicken, and Buster

nailed it