gandalf
If you are a parent, you are Gandalf.
I'm dead serious right now.
I'm as serious as a balrog in the Mines of Morier, y'all.
Let me say it again.
If you are a parent, YOU ARE GANDALF.
Don't believe me?
Exhibit A:
You say, "Don't throw sand."
He picks up a handful of sand.
You:
He picks up a handful of sand.
You:
You say, "Chicken."
He drops the sand.
But, like, with some air.
Definitely a whiff of softball pitch in that drop.
You:
He smiles. He says, "But I didn't
throw it."
You:
Exhibit B:
Wait...
did I leave the glitter glue on the table?
Exhibit C:
Your kid finds an unopened box of raisins.
You find an empty box of raisins.
Exhibit D:
10 minutes into naptime.
You child says, "I'm thirsty."
Exhibit E:
Your kid is climbing the slide.
You say, "dude, what did I tell you,
don't climb the slide, someone is going to hit you."
Another kid goes boots-first down the slide,
clocking your kid like a ten-pin.
He goes off the slide and gets a mouth full of wood chips.
The other kid's dad,
(we'll call him Thorin Oakenshield)
comes over to apologize.
Exhibit F:
You're cleaning up the play room at the end of the day
and you see a piece of chocolate on the floor...
NOT CHOCOLATE.
Exhibit G:
You dropped a glass on the kitchen floor.
Kid tries to grab a string cheese.
Exhibit H:
When your kid's at the art museum, trips on someone's handbag,
says "HOLY FUCK!"
and he looks too much like you
for you to just walk away.
Exhibit I:
When your friend's Aunt Diane
who never had kids
is like
"well seems to me that y'all just have to set
boundaries,
I don't see what's so hard about
that."
Exhibit J:
Pizza night.
Exhibit K:
You're looking for a babysitter like
(could also be used for when you text a friend
to bring over more wipes and pedialyte
because everyone at your house has norovirus)
When you tell your kid
that you made
broccoli soup for dinner.
Exhibit M:
Your drug of choice is:
If you could have it on loop forever
just like this gif
that would be fine.
Exhibit N:
"I may not have any children
but I have three very spunky corgis,
and let me tell you what always works
when they're feelin uppity..."
