sunday school
In no particular order, here are a few things I learned this Sunday.
- Red is always the best color of toddler undies in the Fruit of the Loom multipack.
- Never leave Chicken alone in a bedroom with a bunk bed.
- If you have left Chicken alone in a bedroom with a bunk bed, and you later hear the *thud* that can only be the sound of a fluid-and-bone-filled skin sack plummeting to the floor from the top bunk, that would be the time to run.
- But then, you know, be cool. If he's screaming, he's probably good. Don't run in all red-faced and screamy. You can kind of mosey and be like "heeeeeeey guyyyys, what's the haps?" Think McConaghey. Stoned McConaghey. Alright alright alright?
- Hostess gifts are (almost) always a wonderful gesture. Take the hostess gift I brought over to our friend's house tonight: I found a beautiful candle at PCC, our local organic market. I was going to wrap it up in some tissue, throw in a letterpress card with a sincere but hilarious note, and totally fucking WIN at guesting tonight. But then I couldn't find the tissue, got in the car and promptly discovered that the only pen in the car was gasping its last inky breaths. After carving the word "THANKS!" into the card and praying that our hostess had spent at least a little time learning how to read with her fingertips, I said "fuck it" and sealed up the card. And that, dear friends, is how it came to pass that I arrived at my friend's house, opened my handbag, and handed her a candle and a blank card. Maybe we should have gone with flowers.
- People you like always move across an ocean. Wait.. that doesn't happen to you? Hm.
- If you meet five assholes in one day, you're the asshole. Adjust yo'self.
- The world is full of talented and interesting women. Today we had a table read for Listen to Your Mother and I heard 13 women with 13 unique voices tell self-penned stories about quiet revelations, crushing defeats, soaring victories, and massive fuck-ups, with humor, frankness, curiosity, and authenticity. Honestly, I'm not sure how I stumbled into this group, but it's pretty sweet that I did.
- People lie. When they tell you that your second kid's milestones won't be as special, they are lying to your face and you should cut them out of your life, completely, immediately, with cold fingers. Just like Gone Girl. Because I'm watching Buster stand, unassisted, for the count of fucking ten, and I still feel a little drop of dread in a deep pool of thrill. Like, "YES! YES! YES! Wait, no... but YES!!!"
- Red is always the best color of toddler undies in the Fruit of the Loom multipack.
- Never leave Chicken alone in a bedroom with a bunk bed.
- If you have left Chicken alone in a bedroom with a bunk bed, and you later hear the *thud* that can only be the sound of a fluid-and-bone-filled skin sack plummeting to the floor from the top bunk, that would be the time to run.
- But then, you know, be cool. If he's screaming, he's probably good. Don't run in all red-faced and screamy. You can kind of mosey and be like "heeeeeeey guyyyys, what's the haps?" Think McConaghey. Stoned McConaghey. Alright alright alright?
- Hostess gifts are (almost) always a wonderful gesture. Take the hostess gift I brought over to our friend's house tonight: I found a beautiful candle at PCC, our local organic market. I was going to wrap it up in some tissue, throw in a letterpress card with a sincere but hilarious note, and totally fucking WIN at guesting tonight. But then I couldn't find the tissue, got in the car and promptly discovered that the only pen in the car was gasping its last inky breaths. After carving the word "THANKS!" into the card and praying that our hostess had spent at least a little time learning how to read with her fingertips, I said "fuck it" and sealed up the card. And that, dear friends, is how it came to pass that I arrived at my friend's house, opened my handbag, and handed her a candle and a blank card. Maybe we should have gone with flowers.
- People you like always move across an ocean. Wait.. that doesn't happen to you? Hm.
- If you meet five assholes in one day, you're the asshole. Adjust yo'self.
- The world is full of talented and interesting women. Today we had a table read for Listen to Your Mother and I heard 13 women with 13 unique voices tell self-penned stories about quiet revelations, crushing defeats, soaring victories, and massive fuck-ups, with humor, frankness, curiosity, and authenticity. Honestly, I'm not sure how I stumbled into this group, but it's pretty sweet that I did.
- People lie. When they tell you that your second kid's milestones won't be as special, they are lying to your face and you should cut them out of your life, completely, immediately, with cold fingers. Just like Gone Girl. Because I'm watching Buster stand, unassisted, for the count of fucking ten, and I still feel a little drop of dread in a deep pool of thrill. Like, "YES! YES! YES! Wait, no... but YES!!!"