1. My left breast

2. My right breast

He needs a hot milkshake straight from the tap at least every 30 minutes. And he needs the tap itself within arm's reach at all times. When I say the tap, I mean THE TAP. Child is not happy unless he has one of my nipples clenched in his clammy fist, breast tissue bulging from between his fingers like cinnamon bun dough after you've twisted the can. 

I am living through the longest titty-twister in recorded history. I know what you're thinking, and yes, I am working on a screenplay. I'm thinking a 4th of July release. Cate Blanchett doing a southern accent, and Tobey Maguire in a prosthetic baby head. That's my vision.

Cate Blanchett, Tobey Maguire, in a Michael Bay production: How Mama Ground Her Teeth Down To Nubs Like an Aztec Grandma or TWIST HER not twister not that one although Bill Paxton should play Ryan or maybe the neighbor Jerry of Jerry and Arlene fame

Which brings me to today's question:

Have you ever tried to make a peanut butter sandwich with one hand? 

Your left hand?

I submit that it is fucking impossible. Once you stick the knife in the jar, it won't come out, so you try to pull out a pb-loaded knife to smear on your bread, and you end up just shaking a peanut butter jar on a stick.

Plus your tit's out. 

Okay, Tuesday. I guess we will try for lunch tomorrow, when you're not so fucking TUESDAY all over my face.

good night, sweet prince