I'm pretty sure lotion companies just wring babies out and bottle the juices.

Aveeno? That's the surname of a creamy all-natural Italian family who lives on the banks of Poland Spring.

Shea butter? That baby was NAMED Shea you guys. They took her butter. Now all of her skin feels like my hands after I've washed them in an airport.

I'm not even joking.

This is real.

You get an email from Jergen's saying "oh we want your baby to be like a Jergen's baby!"
and you're like awesome!
And they're like "great come to this warehouse,"
and you're like okay...?
and they're like "oh my god his skin is so revitalizing!"
and you're like what? and they're like "hm?"
and you're like what's that wringing-out apparatus that looks like a giant jumperoo with a tub underneath?
and they're like "oh that? not sure. just leave your baby here and go have a cocktail and when you come back he will be in no way altered,"
and you're like sounds great Mr. Jergen! La la la!
And then when you get your baby back he's like a raisin baby and they're like "what? He was like when we got him?"
and you're like what's in that bottle with my baby's name on it? and they're like "hm?"
and then you go home feeling like that was weird but you can't really put your finger on why,
and then you log onto KatyKatiKate
and you're like holy shit they juiced my baby for Jergen's.


... and that's why you don't post pictures of your baby on Facebook.



(PS, I emailed this post to Ryan before I posted it and I was like "too weird?" and he was like "yeah," and then I played with it a little and emailed it to him again, and he said, "ha ha ha, still pretty weird though." And that's when I knew it was ready.)