I went to the store. This is what I bought:

Hydrocortisone ointment
Nursing pads
Preparation H medicated wipes
Preparation H cooling gel
Preparation H suppositories
Always with wings - nighttime protection
Deodorant
Bananas

So, let's lay it out.

I have:

- An itchy hivey rash on my lower back that they SAID would just go away once I stopped being pregnant but has now spread to my legs.

- Leaky boobs that leave grease stains on my tank tops if I forget to wear what Chicken calls "Mommy Boob Diapers."

- 'Roid rage. Hemorrhoid rage, that is. As my mom said, "You don't push out a 10-pound-baby without suffering some consequences." Pooping used to be fun.

- Uterine lining and 10 pounds of extra pregnancy blood slowly leaking out of my business.

- Body odor that smells like aluminum. No no, thank YOU, hormones.

- Bananas.


That's right boys.

I dare you not to fall in love with THIS.